Are you involved with a Narcissist or an Asshole?
I was asked this question recently: How do you know the difference between a narcissist and an asshole! That could be a great book title!
Can a narcissist be an asshole? And can an asshole be a narcissist?Absolutely! But here are some key differences:
A narcissist lacks empathy. They are stuck in an emotional arrested developmental state. In an adult’s body but unable to self regulate similar to a a toddler. They have a protective mechanism, and portray an inflated sense of self to hide they are an empty shell of a person. They can’t receive feedback and have no interest in resolving conflict. They live in a constant state of entitlement and always has to be right. They thrive on drama and creating chaos, and belittles you (their supply) to feel better about themself
An asshole might make questionable decisions at times and piss you off, but an asshole is a thinking, feeling person with empathy. An asshole can learn to be less of an ass, and has the potential of becoming a more conscious person, and might even show interest in doing the inner work.
A narcissist will NEVER change!!
When a relationship ends, complicated emotions naturally arises such as: anger, sadness, grief, loss and blame. Using the word “narcissist” to label your ex, gives you “permission” to feel extremely angry, lied to, manipulated and mistreated. You will receive empathy from the external world for what you went through, which can seem supportive at first, but it can also keep you stuck in victim mentality mode, which is very hard to break.
So are you involved with a narcissist or just an asshole?
Think about the following:
- How does he respond to any sort of conflict in your relationship?
- Does he show empathy towards you, your children and others?
- Does he treat you with respect and kindness?
- Do you feel safe around him?
- Is he consistent and reliable?
- Does he show up when he says he is going to?
- Does his words match his actions?
- Is he the same person in public as behind closed doors?
- Does he often/always have an excuse as to “why this new thing happened”
- Does he take responsibility for his actions and behaviors?
- Does he blame everyone else for everything?
- Are all his ex’s crazy?
Arguments and disagreements in a relationship are normal and healthy.
Are you able to talk it out, be heard, repair and find common ground?
A narcissist will talk down to you, and most often have a BIG outburst during an argument, belittle and blame you for the argument.
They might leave you for a new supply, or they will return to the relationship after several days of giving you the silent treatment, pretending nothing happened. They will compliment you again, might buy you presents and be super agreeable. Until the next disagreement. This is a toxic vicious cycle that will be repeated over and over and over.
That doesn’t happen in a healthy relationship. Even if you are with a person who can be an asshole. In a heathy relationship you come back together, and feel safe expressing what happened was really shitty. You can be honest about how it made you feel. You can hear each other. There is mutual respect. You are both interested in repairing and understanding.
Which is impossible with a narcissist.
In closing; DON’T ever stay in a relationship, if you don’t feel safe, heard, seen, respected, loved and cared for! If there is no mutual interest in communicating and growing independently and as a couple. You can’t be in a relationship alone. It’s a 2 persons job.
You deserve to live your life!
Yours in healing,
Ina