Learn to like the person you are alone with after narcissistic abuse.
Codependency!! A word I’m very familiar with. I felt validated, important, and valued when I could solve other people’s problems. My definition of being a true friend was to always be there. I felt very deeply about what my people were going through, and I would try my hardest to fix it. If I couldn’t make it better or my advice wasn’t working I felt like a failure. I would overcommit myself and abandon my routine to respond to or do something for someone else. When asked what my wants and needs were I didn’t have an answer. I would tell myself my needs and wants weren’t important. But at times I would wonder why others didn’t do the same for me? It made me feel unappreciated and used after a while. But that didn’t stop me from keep showing up.
Can you relate?
A narcissist and a codependent are a perfect match. The narcissist has codependent tendencies (needs constant attention and supply from others in order to exist) but is only focused on their OWN wants and needs. A codependent can’t wait to help, fix and solve all of the narcissist’s problems. A match made in heaven! Only over time do we start to wonder why we are feeling so drained, exhausted, confused, hurt, and angry all the time in the relationship?
When we have our awakening, we begin to understand we were emotionally, mentally, verbally, financially, and sometimes physically abused, which is shocking to realize!
It is so important to know, it’s ok if you don’t know what to do at this moment. The in-between is a start. When it’s your time you will know. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist the following will still be very relevant.
If you are no longer with the narcissist, I am happy for you! If your relationship has just ended you might be saying, WHAT!!! You are happy for me? Do you call this happy? This is awful!
Yes, it is awful! It’s absolutely terrible what you have been through.
As a codependent, we measure our worth in what we can do for others. We take pride in coming last because we “know” so many people have it “worse” and need our full attention. Since we don’t have a clue what our own needs and wants are, we live as though we are invisible. We are “fine” Our life is “good enough”
Now that we are alone we feel lost. The sad fact is, being in a toxic relationship we were always alone. It was a one-sided relationship. The confusion of why we are missing the person who was so abusive to us is real. It’s called the “aftershock”. (Will be explored in a future blog).
What are we supposed to do with all our pain and hurt that is suddenly showing up as an uninvited guest? We may never have experienced that before. Our survival strategy from childhood was to ignore the sad feelings by staying busy, numbing out, and repeatedly attracting toxic partners and fixing other people in our life.
Once you have your awakening this is your invitation to heal my friend! This is your time to start the inner work. To turn the focus on you. As painful and hard as it is. It must be done. And you are your own savior. No one else can do this part for you.
This might sound crazy, but I believe my ex came into my life to shine a flashlight on my unhealed wounds. It took me 16 years to understand, it happened for me, not to me, to finally see what I needed to heal from childhood, so I could break the cycle of toxic relationships. This doesn’t mean I deserved the abuse. No one EVER does. But I believe I would have kept repeating the same cycle. I wouldn’t have learned I was a codependent, or why I kept attracting toxic people. I wouldn’t have known you can be there for others just by listening, and not be responsible for fixing anything for anyone else.
I did what I thought was impossible! I discovered you can’t be lonely if you like the person you are alone with! How in the world do you do that, you might be wondering? I sure did!
I came up with a self-care list.
It was a slow painful start since I had no idea what I liked to do alone. I knew what I had to detox from, watching tv, binge eating snacks, drinking wine, phone scrolling, social media, being on the computer, shopping, filling my calendar with dinner dates, spending hours on the phone solving everyone’s problems. These were all distractions to avoid dealing with my problems.
I made a list of things I could possibly enjoy doing on my own:
– Tapping, EFT, (emotional freedom technique) – Take a walk
– Bike ride
– Yoga
– Meditate
– Exercise
– Writing in my journal
– Take a bath
– Treat myself to a meal in a restaurant, alone!
– Cook a healthy yummy dinner
– Change things around my house, to make it feel new and fresh.
– Declutter my closets/cabinets (So important to create order in your personal space, especially when you feel disconnected) – Create a bedtime routine. Go to bed early every night.
– Read a book for pleasure.
I did all these things, one at a time then added more. Took small steps. When my feeling got really hard, I let the tears flow, wrote pages and pages in my journal, and I tapped (emotional freedom technique) which lowered my anxiety and helped me self-regulate. I slowly started to feel less alone. I learned how to connect to my body and mind. Without all the outside noise I could finally hear myself. I learned to trust my gut instinct. I no longer experienced FOMO. This is when I started to heal and connected the dots.
I had help from my therapist, lots of help. Found support in my healing journey from narcissistic abuse.
Time doesn’t heal narcissistic abuse. You have experienced trauma, which must be processed.
After my detox from all the things that weren’t supporting my healing, I slowly incorporated Netflix shows. I do love a good series! In moderation. I go out with friends occasionally. I call my few trusted people to catch up when I feel like it. As human beings, we are wired for human connections friendships, stimulating conversations, and love. But never at the cost of abandoning ourselves.
I’m content with spending time alone. Never thought I would speak those words. The inner peace I feel is priceless.
I do remind myself healing is not a destining to be reached. It’s a lifelong rollercoaster journey, with great, good, hard, and very hard days.
Make your self-care list and detox from 1 thing that is numbing you out today! Start small and keep adding. You will be amazed at what you will discover. You got this! You are not alone. You have you. And you are freaking amazing!
Yours in healing, Ina