What is parallel parenting?
It’s a technique that will save your sanity when you have no choice but to share custody with a high conflict parent, a.k.a. a narcissist.
As you have experienced time and time again communicating without debate can be very challenging.
You have a child who will now be spending time with your ex.
There are certain circumstances, such as substance or physical abuse that might grant you full custody, but for the majority of separated and divorced couples, you have to share your child with the person who abused you, verbally, mentally, emotionally, financially, and maybe even physically.
It seems so maddening to let your child spend time unsupervised with this toxic person you once had a relationship with.
You are trying to heal from the abuse, learning to gray rock and now you have to parallel parent! How in the world?
It sounds more complicated than it is.
If you read my blog on “The gray Rock Method” you already have an understanding of responding without emotions to defuse the conversation with the narcissist.
Parallel parenting is a tool for you to utilize without the other parent’s knowledge. I want to make this very clear: Do NOT tell your toxic ex this is what you are doing! Remember they always have to be right and be in control.
When you parallel parent you are not “co-parenting” as in a “normal” divorce. There are no mutually beneficial helpful agreements regarding, pick-up from school, homework, after-school activities, routines, holidays, or vacations.
There are 3 ways this might play out:
1-The narcissist suddenly shows interest in being an “involved parent”, just to spite you, and is requesting custody.
2-They only want to “parent” when it’s convenient for them, with limited contact. Very inconsistent in their behavior toward the child. Hot and cold.
3- Or they will act completely disinterested and possibly disappear. They are on to their next supply and might start a new family very quickly.
Regardless of which of the above example will be your experience, there is nothing you can do about it! You can’t force your narcissistic ex to do anything he doesn’t want to do. If you are divorced the parent agreement will clearly state which parent will have the child when, but if your ex decides it doesn’t work for them on a certain day, they know you most likely won’t take them back to court and they will make up their own rules. They want you to react. To push back. They want emotion from you to feed their supply.
Here are my suggestions:
AVOID getting upset and reactive. If you receive a nasty text, you only, I repeat, ONLY respond if it has anything to do with your child. Be brief! Yes or no. No long explanation! Ignore the rest of the text.
If your ex calls you and starts yelling, you calmly say, “I’m not available for this kind of conversation, I’m going to hang up now”
If you receive an upsetting email, the same applies. You only respond to the part that involves your child.
You need to practice setting boundaries!
Parallel parenting doesn’t mean you say yes to everything. It means you disengage emotionally and state what works!
-You don’t chase them. Don’t send a text saying: “When are you coming to pick up Bob? If your ex doesn’t give you notice in advance, you might have other plans. “Sorry, that’s not going to work”. “How about Tuesday or Thursday at 1 pm”?
-You don’t expect the other parent to help out. EVER! You are a single parent and always have been.
-You don’t get involved in whatever happens at their house. Unless your child isn’t safe there. Then you need to contact the police or go back to court.
Expect your child to behave differently like acting out when they are waiting to be picked up or when they return home. Children will respond to the energy of the people around them and might behave like angels and hold it all in to avoid conflict. Your child feels safe with you and will release it all when you are reunited.
The narcissist doesn’t parent but instead plays Santa. Will shower your child with gifts, tv, or phone access all day, so they don’t have to engage. It’s like Disney world at their house. Your child might act like that is so much more fun, but what they really want and need is the comfort of home, with a reliable parent and a routine.
Be prepared for your child to throw tantrums and cry when the other parent picks them up. It is heartbreaking to watch. Remember your child feels safest with the parent who is conscious and present. The most helpful thing you can do is to work on your healing. Show your child it’s ok. Be excited for them to visit their other parent. Even if you have to fake it. Talk about how much fun they are going to have. Tell them you will miss them so much, but you will be ok. Children will follow your lead. They will match your energy and action.
Don’t EVER talk negatively about the other parent in front of your child! Make sure they can’t hear you if you are on the phone venting about your ex. It causes so much confusion and damage. They love the other parent. It is the only relationship they have ever known. Hearing you call their parent bad names or letting them know how disappointing their dad is, can potentially turn your child against you if they feel like they have to take sides. Remember that the narcissist is a master manipulator.
Children will gravitate toward a healthy, loving, stable, and consistent parent. Even if they express how much more fun dad’s house is, how they get to watch movies all day or be on their phone. How dad doesn’t make them do homework or chores ect.
I truly believe if you are working on yourself, staying regulated and present, using words like: “That does sound like fun…. I’m glad you had a great time. Dad has different rules at his house, and we have our own rules here. I love to do… with you… What would you like to do together?
-Listen to them when they return home.
-Give them lots of hugs and kisses. Sit with them.
-Don’t overwhelm them with questions. Stay neutral!
– Did you have a good time?
– What was your favorite part?
-Suggestions for responses:
– Wow, that sounds fun…
– I can see how that was amazing…
-Stay positive as much as possible, even if you want to scream: YOU ATE WHAT?? YOU WENT TO BED WHEN??
Again if your child was in danger while away that is something you need to get help with.
As your child gets older, they will begin to see and understand the dynamic with the toxic parent. They might begin to ask you questions. They might need therapy if they are not seeing a professional at the moment. Therapy and support are so helpful! For you and your child. Make sure the person you are trusting has experience with narcissism.
Parallel parenting is one of the hardest experiences. Keep remembering one of the many rewards is the peace in your home. You are free! Free to keep healing and rediscovering who you are. Free to create brand new memories with your child. To live your life as you desire!!
If parallel parenting is something you are struggling with, please reach out for help. Staying in a toxic home is so damaging for your child and yourself. If you are scared of leaving, due to all the threats from the narcissist, please know it’s only threats. You and your child’s life will be so much better when you are free. Be the mother who breaks the cycle of toxic relationships!
As a single mother, I have been able to create a system to keep the peace. It doesn’t always go according to plan, but I have learned to stay calm and express my boundaries. For my sanity and for the happiness of my child.
Yours in healing, Ina