A narcissist and cognitive empathy
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “Empathy”, as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner”.
Most people are born with empathy. An empath is usually “labeled” a highly sensitive person. To feel deeply is a beautiful thing. I call it a superpower! I am an empowered empath and so is my daughter. As an empath, we must be careful not to abandon ourselves in order to save others which is why we have to learn to set boundaries.
A narcissist lacks genuine empathy. A narcissist is unable to connect with other humans. They need “supply” (attention and consistent validation from others) to feel important. In order to get what they want they use a manipulative tactic called cognitive empathy.
It’s important to understand there are different types of empathy.
Emotional Empathy:
Do you literally feel yourself in someone else’s shoes? As if you were living their life? Do you feel like it’s happening to you?
You feel the same pain as those around you even though you aren’t experiencing the pain. Feeling uncomfortable and so sad seeing others go through hardships gives you a mission. You won’t be able to rest till you have found a solution.
Feeling this deeply for others can immobilize you. Being the person everyone comes to for advice and to vent can be draining. Taking on your loved one’s problems as if they were yours is a big burden to carry. You were most likely the “fixer” as a child. The helper of the house. Being needed is important to your soul. You are an incredible listener and everyone tells you so. You take over even when you aren’t asked, wanting to make everything easier for those around you. You lose sleep obsessing over someone’s problem and might put your life on hold for a person.
That was me! I grew up in a chaotic toxic household and took on the “fixer role” as a very young child. I was convinced if I wasn’t there to sort out the new disaster or prevent it from escalating everything would fall apart. It was my job. If I failed, I would feel useless and carry so much guilt.
Compassionate Empathy:
Also known as empowered empathy. You understand a person’s hardship but since you aren’t experiencing it yourself, you’re able to separate your own feelings from someone’s experience. You can listen, hold space and offer comfort and advice if needed, but you know this is not your project to fix. You are able to let the person sit in their discomfort and sort it out in their own time. You can continue with your life while feeling compassionate about the situation, but it doesn’t become an obsession. You stay in your lane on your side of the street. As an empowered empath you have boundaries. You are still the kind caring person your friends love, but you have learned to listen to your gut and say NO when it feels like too much and not yours to take on. That is healthy empathy.
Cognitive Empathy:
Cognitive empathy is still empathy just not the kind most of us are familiar with.
Examples of how to use cognitive empathy:
The interrogator wants to get information. The salesperson wants to sell the car, and the lawyer wants to win the case. In all these situations, they need cognitive empathy to get into the subject’s head. They need to understand the subject’s feelings and thoughts which they can then manipulate into producing an outcome that’s most beneficial to them by first establishing a connection.
That does not mean if you are in any of those professions you are a narcissist. Using cognitive empathy is your job.
But a true narcissist interprets emotions like love, openness, and generosity as weakness. If you give an inch they will take a mile. What you have confided in them they will use again you whenever they please. You have likely found yourself wondering do they love me or hate me? Their behavior is extremely manipulative, abusive, intentional, and controlling. Being on the receiving end of this kind of abuse feels like you are being tortured. It can cause trauma and lead to depression, self-abandoning, and feeling helpless.
A narcissist uses cognitive empathy to get what they want from those around them. There is always a reason they are being “nice” and “helpful”.
A narcissist is a master at putting on a show if it will benefit them. Examples: Being an overly generous host. Getting people to do things for them in a manipulative way, by making promises they never attend to keep. Having no boundaries around money and offering to pay for big things other people never would. Acting present and involved with their child in public. Lie about how much they do around the house and how helpful they are. Being a rockstar at work to show off how invaluable they are, for as long as they can, until the mask slips and their true colors show. It’s all a plot to gain attention and look like the“perfect person” to achieve their goals. The narcissist’s false kindness does not come without a cost.
Responding to their false kindness or returning the favor won’t get you anything but further abuse and the narcissist will continue to take advantage of your kindness.
Ideally, you want to avoid the narcissist, and toxic people who don’t make you feel good and cut them out of your life. If the person is a family member, boss, or an ex you have children with and you have to continue the relationship, learn to use the gray rock method. (read my blog on how to gray rock)
Protect your peace of mind at all costs. You can be there for the people you choose while taking care of yourself.
Yours in healing,
Ina