BREADCRUMBING
The definition of “breadcrumbing” is sending out flirtatious, but noncommittal signals to gain the person’s attention without expending much effort, aka leading someone on.
It is an emotional manipulating tactic designed to make someone dependent on you. This person has no intention of formalizing a romantic relationship with you.
The person is less invested in getting together than you are. They might make plans but cancel or don’t show up. They might disappear for periods of time, and fail to reply to texts or calls for several days or weeks. Then suddenly send a long text without explaining why they disappeared. You never know where you stand with them. They use vague statements such as, “let’s pencil that in”
They seem warm toward you but then turn cold. You can’t explain or understand their actions.
If you confront the person and let them know you are suspecting they are not interested in a relationship they will deny it. To disprove your point, they will act normally and keep in touch. When it seems you are back on track they will return to their old ways.
It will come as no surprise a narcissist is an expert at “breadcrumbing”
Since a narcissist needs attention and supply in order to feel good about themself they will have no problem throwing “crumbs” to several different victims at the same time. It’s all part of their game to hook you, by giving you just enough so you will hang around. Often the narcissist is already in a relationship or marriage but is seeking attention from others.
Breadcrumbing is emotional abuse. It involves control and manipulation. It’s a cruel game.
When you keep going back and forth with someone, it becomes confusing as to the benefits of your relationship with them. You might at times have deep conversations, but there is usually no substance in their message. The person doesn’t feel the need to know more about you, because they don’t want to be committed.
However, if you do meet up on occasion and it ends with sex every time, that’s a big sign they are only interested in your body. After they
seem to lose interest for a while before resurfacing. Such people do not have any long-term plan for you, and they don’t want a committed relationship.
If they don’t want a relationship with you, you don’t want a relationship with them!
(Read my previous blog on red flags in a relationship to learn what to look out for)
In a narcissistic relationship or marriage accepting crumbs of love becomes part of the dance. When we are trauma bonded and addicted to the high and lows and walking on eggs shells to keep the peace, we will accept any tiny crumb of love and attention. If the person is engaging just a little during dinner that’s a crumb we will eat up. If we get a “nice” text, that’s a crumb that will get us through the day. We are starving! That crumb is better than none! Better than being given the silent treatment, ignored, or yelled at. This is how they keep control of the relationship or marriage.
We won’t leave them, or stop engaging until we truly believe we deserve SO MUCH MORE than breadcrumbs!
Only then will we stop playing their game!
We are done starving! We want the whole cake. And we want to eat it too!
When we prioritize ourselves and figure out what our needs and wants are then will we attract a real relationship. But the relationship to self comes first.
Yours in healing, Ina