Category: Blog

Dependencies that keep us hooked in a relationship with a narcissist.

Posted on by cristina castro

Dependencies that keep us hooked in a relationship with a narcissist.

It is so very common to be hanging on to the hope that the narcissist will change. That one day they are going to get it and stop their cruel behavior towards us. You are trying everything to make it work. Pleading, begging, over-compromising, self- abandoning, and walking on eggshells. You have done it all! Over and over again. You see no change in their behavior towards you and they show no interest in finding a resolution or repairing the relationship. It is their way or no way! And still, we keep trying.

Why do we do this to ourselves?

We keep hoping it will be different. That we can somehow fix it one day so that we don’t have to uproot our life. We become dependent on the narcissist for human connection needs, such as love, approval, security, and survival. The trauma bond and deep chemical connection we develop with a narcissist make it hard to imagine living without them. They might have told you time and time again that you will never find someone to love you. That you are crazy, too needy, too much, too difficult, helpless, stupid, not intelligent, not interesting, not attractive, too fat, too skinny, and way too annoying. Over time we start to believe it. This is coming from a person who said they loved us.

We crave their approval. We point out things we have accomplished or created hoping they will validate us by giving us praise and be proud of us.

But every time we are ignored. Our big accomplishment is squashed and it confirms we aren’t good enough.

Feeling secure is a human need. Being in a relationship with a narcissist is a rollercoaster of emotions. Our brain can’t feel safe not knowing what to expect from the person we are involved with. We have been discarded, given the silent treatment, called names, and belittled so many times. One minute they might be in a good mood and act kind, engage in “pleasant conversation”, take us out for dinner, be affectionate, then suddenly explode over something…Again and again…. the cycle continues. In a relationship with a narcissist, we lose all sense of security.

Our brain’s job is to keep us alive and safe. When our survival is threatened, our nervous system enters a state of fight, flight, and freeze. Fawn is a survival tactic we use to try and fix a threatening situation. We will do and say anything to make our abuser stop.

In order to get out of a relationship with a narcissist, we have to let go of the dreams and plans we had.

We have to let go of the love we thought we had or should have had from this person. We have to let go of approval because this person is never going to approve of anything we do.

We have to let go of the security and safety that we hoped for with this person. We have to awake to the devastating reality that this person is compromising our life, soul, joy, and self-esteem. Waiting around for the narcissist to change means everything is going to deteriorate even further, yet we are understandably terrified of letting go and having everything crash and burn and having to rebuild.

However, it does get to a point where the fear of leaving gets less than the fear of staying.

I promise you as someone who was on the other side, that there is a beautiful life waiting for you. When you are ready to let go of trying to change the narcissist and your relationship, accepting that it will never happen, instead turn the focus on yourself, recover and heal your inner wounds, and identify what attracted you to this person, everything will slowly start to change.

 

 

Yours in healing, Inaz

A narcissist and cognitive empathy

Posted on by cristina castro

A narcissist and cognitive empathy

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “Empathy”, as “the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner”.

Most people are born with empathy. An empath is usually “labeled” a highly sensitive person. To feel deeply is a beautiful thing. I call it a superpower! I am an empowered empath and so is my daughter. As an empath, we must be careful not to abandon ourselves in order to save others which is why we have to learn to set boundaries.

A narcissist lacks genuine empathy. A narcissist is unable to connect with other humans. They need “supply” (attention and consistent validation from others) to feel important. In order to get what they want they use a manipulative tactic called cognitive empathy.

It’s important to understand there are different types of empathy.

Emotional Empathy:

Do you literally feel yourself in someone else’s shoes? As if you were living their life? Do you feel like it’s happening to you?

You feel the same pain as those around you even though you aren’t experiencing the pain. Feeling uncomfortable and so sad seeing others go through hardships gives you a mission. You won’t be able to rest till you have found a solution.

Feeling this deeply for others can immobilize you. Being the person everyone comes to for advice and to vent can be draining. Taking on your loved one’s problems as if they were yours is a big burden to carry. You were most likely the “fixer” as a child. The helper of the house. Being needed is important to your soul. You are an incredible listener and everyone tells you so. You take over even when you aren’t asked, wanting to make everything easier for those around you. You lose sleep obsessing over someone’s problem and might put your life on hold for a person.

That was me! I grew up in a chaotic toxic household and took on the “fixer role” as a very young child. I was convinced if I wasn’t there to sort out the new disaster or prevent it from escalating everything would fall apart. It was my job. If I failed, I would feel useless and carry so much guilt.

Compassionate Empathy:

Also known as empowered empathy. You understand a person’s hardship but since you aren’t experiencing it yourself, you’re able to separate your own feelings from someone’s experience. You can listen, hold space and offer comfort and advice if needed, but you know this is not your project to fix. You are able to let the person sit in their discomfort and sort it out in their own time. You can continue with your life while feeling compassionate about the situation, but it doesn’t become an obsession. You stay in your lane on your side of the street. As an empowered empath you have boundaries. You are still the kind caring person your friends love, but you have learned to listen to your gut and say NO when it feels like too much and not yours to take on. That is healthy empathy.

 

Cognitive Empathy:

Cognitive empathy is still empathy just not the kind most of us are familiar with.

Examples of how to use cognitive empathy:

The interrogator wants to get information. The salesperson wants to sell the car, and the lawyer wants to win the case. In all these situations, they need cognitive empathy to get into the subject’s head. They need to understand the subject’s feelings and thoughts which they can then manipulate into producing an outcome that’s most beneficial to them by first establishing a connection.

That does not mean if you are in any of those professions you are a narcissist. Using cognitive empathy is your job.

But a true narcissist interprets emotions like love, openness, and generosity as weakness. If you give an inch they will take a mile. What you have confided in them they will use again you whenever they please. You have likely found yourself wondering do they love me or hate me? Their behavior is extremely manipulative, abusive, intentional, and controlling. Being on the receiving end of this kind of abuse feels like you are being tortured. It can cause trauma and lead to depression, self-abandoning, and feeling helpless. 

A narcissist uses cognitive empathy to get what they want from those around them. There is always a reason they are being “nice” and “helpful”.

A narcissist is a master at putting on a show if it will benefit them. Examples: Being an overly generous host. Getting people to do things for them in a manipulative way, by making promises they never attend to keep. Having no boundaries around money and offering to pay for big things other people never would. Acting present and involved with their child in public. Lie about how much they do around the house and how helpful they are. Being a rockstar at work to show off how invaluable they are, for as long as they can, until the mask slips and their true colors show. It’s all a plot to gain attention and look like the“perfect person” to achieve their goals. The narcissist’s false kindness does not come without a cost.

Responding to their false kindness or returning the favor won’t get you anything but further abuse and the narcissist will continue to take advantage of your kindness.

Ideally, you want to avoid the narcissist, and toxic people who don’t make you feel good and cut them out of your life. If the person is a family member, boss, or an ex you have children with and you have to continue the relationship, learn to use the gray rock method. (read my blog on how to gray rock)

Protect your peace of mind at all costs. You can be there for the people you choose while taking care of yourself.

Yours in healing,

Ina

BREADCRUMBING

Posted on by cristina castro

BREADCRUMBING

The definition of “breadcrumbing” is sending out flirtatious, but noncommittal signals to gain the person’s attention without expending much effort, aka leading someone on.
It is an emotional manipulating tactic designed to make someone dependent on you. This person has no intention of formalizing a romantic relationship with you. 

The person is less invested in getting together than you are. They might make plans but cancel or don’t show up. They might disappear for periods of time, and fail to reply to texts or calls for several days or weeks. Then suddenly send a long text without explaining why they disappeared. You never know where you stand with them. They use vague statements such as, “let’s pencil that in”

They seem warm toward you but then turn cold. You can’t explain or understand their actions.

If you confront the person and let them know you are suspecting they are not interested in a relationship they will deny it. To disprove your point, they will act normally and keep in touch. When it seems you are back on track they will return to their old ways. 

It will come as no surprise a narcissist is an expert at “breadcrumbing”

Since a narcissist needs attention and supply in order to feel good about themself they will have no problem throwing “crumbs” to several different victims at the same time. It’s all part of their game to hook you, by giving you just enough so you will hang around. Often the narcissist is already in a relationship or marriage but is seeking attention from others.

Breadcrumbing is emotional abuse. It involves control and manipulation. It’s a cruel game.
When you keep going back and forth with someone, it becomes confusing as to the benefits of your relationship with them. You might at times have deep conversations, but there is usually no substance in their message. The person doesn’t feel the need to know more about you, because they don’t want to be committed.

However, if you do meet up on occasion and it ends with sex every time, that’s a big sign they are only interested in your body. After they

seem to lose interest for a while before resurfacing. Such people do not have any long-term plan for you, and they don’t want a committed relationship.
If they don’t want a relationship with you, you don’t want a relationship with them!

(Read my previous blog on red flags in a relationship to learn what to look out for)

In a narcissistic relationship or marriage accepting crumbs of love becomes part of the dance. When we are trauma bonded and addicted to the high and lows and walking on eggs shells to keep the peace, we will accept any tiny crumb of love and attention. If the person is engaging just a little during dinner that’s a crumb we will eat up. If we get a “nice” text, that’s a crumb that will get us through the day. We are starving! That crumb is better than none! Better than being given the silent treatment, ignored, or yelled at. This is how they keep control of the relationship or marriage.

We won’t leave them, or stop engaging until we truly believe we deserve SO MUCH MORE than breadcrumbs!
Only then will we stop playing their game!
We are done starving! We want the whole cake. And we want to eat it too!

When we prioritize ourselves and figure out what our needs and wants are then will we attract a real relationship. But the relationship to self comes first.

Yours in healing, Ina

Red Flags in a relationship

Posted on by cristina castro

Red Flags in a relationship

Understanding and recognizing red flags EARLY on in the dating stage will prevent you from getting involved with a toxic person or falling right into another relationship with a narcissist.

If we understand what red flags look like and are doing the inner work having discovered our boundaries we won’t ever tolerate any of the following:

Love bombing

  • The relationship is moving at supersonic speed.
  • You are in constant contact.
  • You are receiving attention ALL the time!
  • This person seems too good to be true.

Right from the beginning, there will be jealous and controlling behavior…

  • The person demands a lot of your time and attention.

Common questions after only a few dates:

  • Why didn’t you answer your phone? -Where were you?
  • Are you seeing someone else?
  • You are going to wear that?
  • I want to see you tonight. You would cancel your other plans if you like me!
  • Why do you hang out with those people? They sound strange. -Criticizing and putting you down. Sometimes in a joking manner.
 

Lack of communication

  • Won’t give you a straight and honest answer.
  • You don’t feel like you can express your thoughts.
  • You see patterns of dishonesty.
  • The person can’t receive feedback.
  • Like a chameleon changes from hot to cold within minutes.

Extreme emotional reactions

  • Shows signs of aggression.
  • Turns most conversations into a disagreement.
  • Rude to others for no reason.
  • Displays big loud emotions when complaining about anyone and everything.
  • Inability and unwillingness to compromise.
  • Doesn’t seem trustworthy.
  • The person doesn’t take responsibility for their actions.
  • Blames everyone else.

Gaslighting

  • The person will say:
  • I never said that!
  • You are so sensitive and emotional!
  • Maybe your family or ex was right about your issues?
 

Lack of support

  • The person is not showing any interest in anything you accomplish. -There are no signs of genuine empathy towards you and your struggles.
  • The person only helps out if it benefits them.

Ghosting:

  • Suddenly the person will disappear for days. -Doesn’t answer your text or calls.
  • Is dishonest about why they stopped communicating.

Alcohol or substance abuse

  • Drinks often to get drunk but pretend they are not intoxicated. -They become very loud and embarrassing to be around when drinking.
  • Might abuse substances but lies about it.
 

If you start to feel confused and doubt yourself after one or two dates take that as a sign! Feeling a pit in your stomach like something is off means something is off. If your boundaries aren’t being heard and respected that is a red flag. Trust your instinct! RUN! Block contact and don’t see them again. This person is showing you who they are. Believe them!

Being in a toxic relationship we have experienced all of the above and more. You have most likely made excuses for the person. The longer you stay hoping the person will change, the deeper you are getting hooked into the trauma bond and the harder it is to end.

Forgive yourself if you are recognizing all these red flags in your current relationship or marriage. You didn’t know. Forgive yourself if you ignored all the red flags a second or third time. You still didn’t know! Forgive yourself if this is the only kind of relationship you have ever been in. It was all you knew!

But now you know!
Become a master at spotting red flags a mile away!
It starts with you!
You can break the cycle, and do the inner work to find YOURSELF. You will attract the healthy relationship you so deserve when you believe you are worth it.
You deserve healthy love.

Yours in healing, Ina

What is parallel parenting?

Posted on by cristina castro

What is parallel parenting?

It’s a technique that will save your sanity when you have no choice but to share custody with a high conflict parent, a.k.a. a narcissist.
As you have experienced time and time again communicating without debate can be very challenging.

You have a child who will now be spending time with your ex.
There are certain circumstances, such as substance or physical abuse that might grant you full custody, but for the majority of separated and divorced couples, you have to share your child with the person who abused you, verbally, mentally, emotionally, financially, and maybe even physically.
It seems so maddening to let your child spend time unsupervised with this toxic person you once had a relationship with.
You are trying to heal from the abuse, learning to gray rock and now you have to parallel parent! How in the world?

It sounds more complicated than it is.

If you read my blog on “The gray Rock Method” you already have an understanding of responding without emotions to defuse the conversation with the narcissist.
Parallel parenting is a tool for you to utilize without the other parent’s knowledge. I want to make this very clear: Do NOT tell your toxic ex this is what you are doing! Remember they always have to be right and be in control.

When you parallel parent you are not “co-parenting” as in a “normal” divorce. There are no mutually beneficial helpful agreements regarding, pick-up from school, homework, after-school activities, routines, holidays, or vacations.

There are 3 ways this might play out:

1-The narcissist suddenly shows interest in being an “involved parent”, just to spite you, and is requesting custody.

2-They only want to “parent” when it’s convenient for them, with limited contact. Very inconsistent in their behavior toward the child. Hot and cold.

3- Or they will act completely disinterested and possibly disappear. They are on to their next supply and might start a new family very quickly.

Regardless of which of the above example will be your experience, there is nothing you can do about it! You can’t force your narcissistic ex to do anything he doesn’t want to do. If you are divorced the parent agreement will clearly state which parent will have the child when, but if your ex decides it doesn’t work for them on a certain day, they know you most likely won’t take them back to court and they will make up their own rules. They want you to react. To push back. They want emotion from you to feed their supply.

Here are my suggestions:

AVOID getting upset and reactive. If you receive a nasty text, you only, I repeat, ONLY respond if it has anything to do with your child. Be brief! Yes or no. No long explanation! Ignore the rest of the text.
If your ex calls you and starts yelling, you calmly say, “I’m not available for this kind of conversation, I’m going to hang up now”
If you receive an upsetting email, the same applies. You only respond to the part that involves your child.
You need to practice setting boundaries!
Parallel parenting doesn’t mean you say yes to everything. It means you disengage emotionally and state what works!

-You don’t chase them. Don’t send a text saying: “When are you coming to pick up Bob? If your ex doesn’t give you notice in advance, you might have other plans. “Sorry, that’s not going to work”. “How about Tuesday or Thursday at 1 pm”?

-You don’t expect the other parent to help out. EVER! You are a single parent and always have been.
-You don’t get involved in whatever happens at their house. Unless your child isn’t safe there. Then you need to contact the police or go back to court.

Expect your child to behave differently like acting out when they are waiting to be picked up or when they return home. Children will respond to the energy of the people around them and might behave like angels and hold it all in to avoid conflict. Your child feels safe with you and will release it all when you are reunited.

The narcissist doesn’t parent but instead plays Santa. Will shower your child with gifts, tv, or phone access all day, so they don’t have to engage. It’s like Disney world at their house. Your child might act like that is so much more fun, but what they really want and need is the comfort of home, with a reliable parent and a routine.

Be prepared for your child to throw tantrums and cry when the other parent picks them up. It is heartbreaking to watch. Remember your child feels safest with the parent who is conscious and present. The most helpful thing you can do is to work on your healing. Show your child it’s ok. Be excited for them to visit their other parent. Even if you have to fake it. Talk about how much fun they are going to have. Tell them you will miss them so much, but you will be ok. Children will follow your lead. They will match your energy and action.

Don’t EVER talk negatively about the other parent in front of your child! Make sure they can’t hear you if you are on the phone venting about your ex. It causes so much confusion and damage. They love the other parent. It is the only relationship they have ever known. Hearing you call their parent bad names or letting them know how disappointing their dad is, can potentially turn your child against you if they feel like they have to take sides. Remember that the narcissist is a master manipulator.


Children will gravitate toward a healthy, loving, stable, and consistent parent. Even if they express how much more fun dad’s house is, how they get to watch movies all day or be on their phone. How dad doesn’t make them do homework or chores ect.

I truly believe if you are working on yourself, staying regulated and present, using words like: “That does sound like fun…. I’m glad you had a great time. Dad has different rules at his house, and we have our own rules here. I love to do… with you… What would you like to do together?

-Listen to them when they return home.
-Give them lots of hugs and kisses. Sit with them.
-Don’t overwhelm them with questions. Stay neutral!
– Did you have a good time?
– What was your favorite part?
-Suggestions for responses:
– Wow, that sounds fun…
– I can see how that was amazing…
-Stay positive as much as possible, even if you want to scream: YOU ATE WHAT?? YOU WENT TO BED WHEN??

Again if your child was in danger while away that is something you need to get help with.

As your child gets older, they will begin to see and understand the dynamic with the toxic parent. They might begin to ask you questions. They might need therapy if they are not seeing a professional at the moment. Therapy and support are so helpful! For you and your child. Make sure the person you are trusting has experience with narcissism.

Parallel parenting is one of the hardest experiences. Keep remembering one of the many rewards is the peace in your home. You are free! Free to keep healing and rediscovering who you are. Free to create brand new memories with your child. To live your life as you desire!!

 

If parallel parenting is something you are struggling with, please reach out for help. Staying in a toxic home is so damaging for your child and yourself. If you are scared of leaving, due to all the threats from the narcissist, please know it’s only threats. You and your child’s life will be so much better when you are free. Be the mother who breaks the cycle of toxic relationships!

As a single mother, I have been able to create a system to keep the peace. It doesn’t always go according to plan, but I have learned to stay calm and express my boundaries. For my sanity and for the happiness of my child.

Yours in healing, Ina

Your mental health after Narcissistic abuse

Posted on by cristina castro

Your mental health after Narcissistic abuse.

May marks the beginning of Mental health awareness month. It is estimated that 1 in 5 adults in the U.S alone is living with mental illness. It is such an important topic, yet there is still so much stigma and not enough education or support for those living with mental or behavioral issues. Mental health is such a critical piece of your overall wellness.
I am not a therapist, this is solely based on my experience as a trauma- informed coach.
Please consult with your physician if you are experiencing difficulties coping in your day-to-day life.
Please know you don’t have to fight this alone. There is help and medication available to help you live your life with joy.

My intention in writing this week’s blog is to reach through the screen and give you a hug. I want to normalize that if you are feeling like you are losing your mind in your relationship with the narcissist you are not alone! What you are feeling is due to the abuse and trauma you have endured and are still experiencing if you haven’t started your healing journey.

The new you might feel so foreign. Before you met the narcissist you were a different person. Your glass was always half full. You had a positive outlook on life. You were known for your beautiful smile and warm personality.

Now you feel like a shell of a person. You don’t know who you are anymore. And you don’t know what to do!

One of the hardest parts of being in a toxic manipulating relationship is that the people around you, even your close friends and family have no idea what you are talking about? To them, the narcissist in your life seems, funny, charming, the life of the party, very chatty (always about themself), generous and helpful (only when other people are around).

The narcissist can fake empathy and choose which mask to wear when they want to put on a show. It’s maddening to witness! They become a different person when you are alone! They save their outburst, belittling, and silent treatment all for you.

Over time you start to wonder: AM I THE CRAZY ONE?
This is what you have been told over and over again in your relationship. Nightmares, flashbacks, and intrusive thoughts become part of your life. You become hyper-aware, vigilant, angry, irritable, have a misplaced sense of blame, low confidence, and feel depressed. 

Making the smallest decisions seems overwhelming. Using negative language when you speak to yourself becomes the norm. You feel useless. Nothing you ever do feels good enough. Feeling exhausted and depleted is part of your everyday. All you want to do is sleep or numb out. You cry easily. Over time the tears dry up and you become detached and dissociated. The trauma can also show up as headaches, stomach problems, chronic body aches, and physical pain.
Approximately 10 out of every 100 women will suffer from PTSD (post- traumatic stress disorder) as a result of narcissistic abuse and gaslighting. If you have experienced prolonged abuse, (been in the relationship for a long period of time) you are likely suffering from CPTSD, complex post- traumatic stress disorder.

Continuous stress due to abuse can damage the brain cells in the hippocampus, causing it to gradually shrink in size. As a result, you start to forget things easily and find it difficult to learn new things. The prefrontal cortex is the region of the brain that is located right behind the eyes.

The many traumatic events in your relationship triggered a fight, flight, and freeze response within you. Anything associated with those memories can trigger an anxiety attack.

If you can identify with any of the above you might be breathing a sigh of relief. You are not the only one. This is experienced by survivors of trauma. You are NOT crazy! There is nothing wrong with you. You have experienced trauma that you have to heal. You must process what you have been through. The trauma won’t magically disappear over time. You are just prolonging the inner pain.

The hopeful news is you can feel better by slowly starting to heal. What you choose to help you along your recovery is up to you, but choose something! For me EFT tapping, the emotional freedom technique was my somatic healing tool of choice. I created my own L.I.F.E healing program incorporating EFT. I found talk therapy alone was not enough to access the trauma stored in our subconscious minds.

Listen to inner healing, trauma, and narcissistic recovery podcasts. Find a coach or therapist who specializes in Narcissistic abuse. Educated yourself. Understand what happened to you and so many others. It will give you the validation you are not alone in feeling this way and that healing is possible.

Then you have to flip the switch! And see it through! Take your power back! Stop focusing on the narcissist, and turn all that energy inward. It won’t be easy but neither is living with all this pain and hard confusing feelings. It starts with you. You can do this! Break the cycle of toxic relationships for you, your children, and your family of origin!

Yours in healing, Ina

Learn to like the person you are alone with after narcissistic abuse.

Posted on by cristina castro

Learn to like the person you are alone with after narcissistic abuse.

Codependency!! A word I’m very familiar with. I felt validated, important, and valued when I could solve other people’s problems. My definition of being a true friend was to always be there. I felt very deeply about what my people were going through, and I would try my hardest to fix it. If I couldn’t make it better or my advice wasn’t working I felt like a failure. I would overcommit myself and abandon my routine to respond to or do something for someone else. When asked what my wants and needs were I didn’t have an answer. I would tell myself my needs and wants weren’t important. But at times I would wonder why others didn’t do the same for me? It made me feel unappreciated and used after a while. But that didn’t stop me from keep showing up.

Can you relate?

A narcissist and a codependent are a perfect match. The narcissist has codependent tendencies (needs constant attention and supply from others in order to exist) but is only focused on their OWN wants and needs. A codependent can’t wait to help, fix and solve all of the narcissist’s problems. A match made in heaven! Only over time do we start to wonder why we are feeling so drained, exhausted, confused, hurt, and angry all the time in the relationship?
When we have our awakening, we begin to understand we were emotionally, mentally, verbally, financially, and sometimes physically abused, which is shocking to realize!

 

It is so important to know, it’s ok if you don’t know what to do at this moment. The in-between is a start. When it’s your time you will know. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist the following will still be very relevant.

If you are no longer with the narcissist, I am happy for you! If your relationship has just ended you might be saying, WHAT!!! You are happy for me? Do you call this happy? This is awful!
Yes, it is awful! It’s absolutely terrible what you have been through.

As a codependent, we measure our worth in what we can do for others. We take pride in coming last because we “know” so many people have it “worse” and need our full attention. Since we don’t have a clue what our own needs and wants are, we live as though we are invisible. We are “fine” Our life is “good enough”

Now that we are alone we feel lost. The sad fact is, being in a toxic relationship we were always alone. It was a one-sided relationship. The confusion of why we are missing the person who was so abusive to us is real. It’s called the “aftershock”. (Will be explored in a future blog).

What are we supposed to do with all our pain and hurt that is suddenly showing up as an uninvited guest? We may never have experienced that before. Our survival strategy from childhood was to ignore the sad feelings by staying busy, numbing out, and repeatedly attracting toxic partners and fixing other people in our life. 

Once you have your awakening this is your invitation to heal my friend! This is your time to start the inner work. To turn the focus on you. As painful and hard as it is. It must be done. And you are your own savior. No one else can do this part for you.
This might sound crazy, but I believe my ex came into my life to shine a flashlight on my unhealed wounds. It took me 16 years to understand, it happened for me, not to me, to finally see what I needed to heal from childhood, so I could break the cycle of toxic relationships. This doesn’t mean I deserved the abuse. No one EVER does. But I believe I would have kept repeating the same cycle. I wouldn’t have learned I was a codependent, or why I kept attracting toxic people. I wouldn’t have known you can be there for others just by listening, and not be responsible for fixing anything for anyone else.

I did what I thought was impossible! I discovered you can’t be lonely if you like the person you are alone with! How in the world do you do that, you might be wondering? I sure did!

I came up with a self-care list.
It was a slow painful start since I had no idea what I liked to do alone. I knew what I had to detox from, watching tv, binge eating snacks, drinking wine, phone scrolling, social media, being on the computer, shopping, filling my calendar with dinner dates, spending hours on the phone solving everyone’s problems. These were all distractions to avoid dealing with my problems.

I made a list of things I could possibly enjoy doing on my own: 

– Tapping, EFT, (emotional freedom technique) – Take a walk
– Bike ride
– Yoga
– Meditate
– Exercise
– Writing in my journal
– Take a bath
– Treat myself to a meal in a restaurant, alone!
– Cook a healthy yummy dinner
– Change things around my house, to make it feel new and fresh.
– Declutter my closets/cabinets (So important to create order in your personal space, especially when you feel disconnected) – Create a bedtime routine. Go to bed early every night.
– Read a book for pleasure. 

I did all these things, one at a time then added more. Took small steps. When my feeling got really hard, I let the tears flow, wrote pages and pages in my journal, and I tapped (emotional freedom technique) which lowered my anxiety and helped me self-regulate. I slowly started to feel less alone. I learned how to connect to my body and mind. Without all the outside noise I could finally hear myself. I learned to trust my gut instinct. I no longer experienced FOMO. This is when I started to heal and connected the dots.

I had help from my therapist, lots of help. Found support in my healing journey from narcissistic abuse.

Time doesn’t heal narcissistic abuse. You have experienced trauma, which must be processed.

After my detox from all the things that weren’t supporting my healing, I slowly incorporated Netflix shows. I do love a good series! In moderation. I go out with friends occasionally. I call my few trusted people to catch up when I feel like it. As human beings, we are wired for human connections friendships, stimulating conversations, and love. But never at the cost of abandoning ourselves.

I’m content with spending time alone. Never thought I would speak those words. The inner peace I feel is priceless.

I do remind myself healing is not a destining to be reached. It’s a lifelong rollercoaster journey, with great, good, hard, and very hard days.

Make your self-care list and detox from 1 thing that is numbing you out today! Start small and keep adding. You will be amazed at what you will discover. You got this! You are not alone. You have you. And you are freaking amazing!

Yours in healing, Ina 

SELF-ABANDONING.

Posted on by cristina castro

SELF-ABANDONING

In a narcissistic relationship, we unconsciously self-abandon. At the beginning of the relationship, we spend all of our energy on the new person in our life. His wishes and needs become a priority. As a codependent taking care of others is how we feel worthy and important. It lights us up to solve problems that are not ours to solve.

 I spend most of my life being disconnected from my mind and body. I was an expert at ignoring my gut instincts. I was a true people pleaser even as a child. I didn’t trust I knew the answers I needed to live a fulfilled life. During my recovery from narcissistic abuse, I discovered a somatic healing tool called EFT, “emotional freedom technique.” EFT is scientifically proven to rewire the brain and release anxiety while regulating the nervous system, lowering our stress hormones, so we no longer living in fright and freeze mode. Only then are we able to gain clarity of what we are experiencing? I was finally able to release what was no longer serving me, and I came to understand how I had abandoned myself and tolerated toxic behavior by dissociating.

I live a very different life today. I have discovered what my boundaries are and I don’t avoid feeling my hard feelings. I’m ok with not getting everything right. I embrace my triggers and become curious about what they are trying to teach me. I put myself first, which took a while, but today I feel proud of the role model I am as a mother by showing my child there are multiple layers to feelings and thoughts.

 

After a ton of research, this is what I have come to understand about self-abandoning: Self-abandoning is a self-destructive pattern that can contribute to anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, not knowing your boundaries, and attracting unhealthy relationships.

Self-abandonment is a learned behavior from childhood. It is likely our parents or caregiver didn’t meet our emotional and physical needs while growing up. They might have been neglectful and not present, (consciously or unconsciously) – causing us to feel unworthy and unlovable. The good news is that it is more than possible to stop self-abandoning!  The first step is becoming aware of what our conditioned mind is repeatedly telling us.

. A thought becomes a part of a belief we have about our self. A thought is something we say over and over to our self.  A thought becomes a part of a belief we have about our self. A thought is something we say over and over to our self. -abandonment is a learned behavior from childhood.  It’s likely that your parents or caregiver didn’t meet your emotional and physical needs while growing up. They might have been neglectful and not present, (consciously or unconsciously) – causing you to feel unworthy and unlovable. . A thought becomes a part of a belief we have about our self. A thought is something we say over and over to our self.

 A thought becomes a belief we have about ourselves. A thought is something we repeat over and over. 

I went on this quest to explore when and why I was self-abandoning. I created the following questions which helped me gain so much clarity.

If you want to give it a go, grab your journal or a piece of paper.

Complete the following sentences, by writing down the first true word that comes to mind:

•      As a child my needs were……..

                   – Growing up I felt……by my parents or caregiver.

                   –     When I did something I was proud of my parents would…

•      During my childhood when I expressed anger or sad feelings my parents would…

                   –   In my childhood home I had to become………..

                   –   My house was always………

                   –   Growing up making my own decisions was……

•       I don’t trust my instincts because…

•      If I make a “wrong” decision I worry that…..

•      I ask others what I should do because I believe….

•       I often say yes to things when I really want to say no because….

•       I seek validation from others because…

                   –    Being liked by others means I am…..

•      When I tell people how I truly feel they usually…

                   –   No matter what I accomplish it never feels good enough because…

                   -I can never become……because…..

                   -My idea of self-care is….

                   -On a scale from 1-to 10 taking care of my own wants and needs..….

 

•      I am not honest about how I truly feel on the inside because….

•      I have a strong need to use…drink… spend money on….  to numb myself from feeling…..

•      I’m so ashamed because…..

•      I can’t forgive myself for….

                   -In my relationship, I find it very important to focus on my partner’s needs because…

                   -I’m worried my partner will……

                   -When I express my feelings, needs, and wants in my relationship the reaction is…..

                   -I need my partner to be happy in order for me to be happy because….

Did your answers surprise you?

Let’s explore how we can rewire our thought patterns to change our core beliefs. Our memories and perceptions are seen through the eyes of a younger version of us. A lot of our work is when we learn to transition from a child’s mind to an adult’s. It might seem unnatural and challenging at first but give it a try! It takes practice!

As you write down the first thing that comes to mind, think about how you would answer if your current beliefs were no longer holding you back.

-As the adult that I am what would I say to the little girl in me?….

-How would I respond to my best friend if she was using negative language about herself?….

-What do I need to fill me up?…..

-What makes me happy?…..

-What do I want to do that I’m not doing?….

-What belief about honoring myself is holding me back?…

-What belief would serve me better?’

-If I felt worthy and good enough what would my life be like?…

-What is holding me back from experiencing the joy I deserve?…

– If I let my friends and family solve their own problems it would…

  • -What is one decision I can make right now without asking anyone?
  • What is the worst thing that can happen if it turns out it wasn’t the “best” decision?…
  • -What would happen if I can get quiet enough, and trust my gut always knows what I should do?…
  • How would my life change if I truly believe I don’t need external validation?….

What could happen if I told one person I trust how I truly feel?…

-What if my story could help someone else realize….

-Knowing what I know now I can forgive myself for…….

-What am I capable of if I believe I’m…

-If I start saying NO when I mean NO I would feel….

What are my own boundaries in my relationships?

(ex: How do I want to be treated, talked to, heard, and seen?)

-What do I value in an intimate relationship?

 (ex: feeling safe, communication, respect, love, consistency, honesty)….

-In my current relationship I feel…..

-I deserve and want a relationship that makes me feel……..

-I deserve and want to live a life that is……

What is 1 small thing I can change right now to take a small step closer to the life I want to live?…

 

I hope you found this exercise helpful and discovered how you self-abandon. When we know better we do better.

 

Til next week.

 

Yours in healing, 


Ina

The Gray Rock Method

Posted on by cristina castro

The gray rock method

Why is this method important, and what is it exactly?

In the world of narcissism and toxicity, you might have heard of something called the gray rock method. It is a strategy used when interacting with manipulating and abusive individuals. The method involves communicating in an uninteresting non-emotional way. To become as engaging as a gray rock to your abuser.

You discovered early on in the relationship that by expressing any opposing thoughts and feelings about a situation the narcissist will go off on a tantrum! The narcissist in your life always has to be right and will keep arguing their point till you back down. They will belittle you and make it clear you know NOTHING about this topic! Trying to get the toxic person to listen and hear your opinion is as impossible as trying to get an over- tired toddler to take a nap.

Slowly over time, you learn your opinion doesn’t matter. It becomes exhausting and draining to have the slightest disagreement turn into a full- blown argument. To constantly walk on eggshells while living in freeze and fright mode.
You learn to silence your voice, to keep the peace and your sanity.

Victims can use the gray rock method as a tool and a coping mechanism when dealing with emotional abuse. Emotional abuse includes any behaviors that a person uses to exert dominance and control over someone else. It can include:

  • Insulting, demeaning, or humiliating someone.
  • Attempting to control their finances, work, social life, or appearance. -extreme jealousy and possessiveness.
  • Monitoring someone by reading their emails, texts, or online search history.
  • Gaslighting, where a person pretends someone is mentally unstable to undermine them.

Emotional abuse has a significant impact on mental and physical health. No one should remain in an abusive relationship, but if interactions with the abusive person are unavoidable, learning how to use the gray rock method to guard yourself against continued emotional abuse is life- changing.

Victims might use this method with:

  • Parallel parenting
  • Coworkers
  • Neighbors
  • Family members
  • Ex-partners.

Example’s of how to use the gray rock method with a narcissist:

The narcissist: “My free time is very limited… I don’t have time to drive to your house and pick up the kids on Friday and drive them back. ….You have time!…. You do nothing all day!…… You can drop them off and pick them back up”!!!

Gray rock response: If Friday doesn’t work for you, send me another day and I will let you know if that works with the children’s schedule.

Your response is short and to the point! By ignoring the insult and demand of what you should do, staying calm and non-emotional disarms the narcissist. At the same time, you are setting a boundary without letting the narcissist know what you are doing.
It stops the narcissist from escalating and will lose interest in the conversation.

When communicating with the abusive person try to:

  • Be brief: Give short answers to questions, such as, “yes, no, or I will get back to you on that”.
  • Be factual: Use simple, factual statements during conversations and avoid disclosing personal opinions or information unnecessarily. This keeps the conversation impersonal.
  • Avoid emotional engagement: This can be difficult, particularly if a person is acting in a threatening way. To remain detached from the conversation, try focusing on breathing, and avoid making eye contact.
  • Maintain privacy: Avoid sharing personal information with them.

In summary, relationships with manipulative and abusive partners, coworkers, or friends can be very difficult to manage. The ideal option is to remove yourself from such relationships, but sometimes that is not possible. It takes a lot of practice and tons of patience to master the gray rock method. Screaming will often be unavoidable! You are only human! But scream into a pillow, scream after your ex has left with the kids. Call a trusted friend and vent! Let it out! It is not healthy to hold it in. But resist the temptation to react emotionally in front of your toxic ex. You are not dealing with a rational conscious adult.

With time and practice, the gray rock method will greatly reduce the amount of energy exerted when dealing with a toxic person.

Do yourself a favor and become BORING as a gray rock! 

Let’s talk about hoovering

Posted on by cristina castro

Let’s talk about hoovering

It can take a victim up to 7 times before they leave their abuser for good. That might sound CRAZY to people who haven’t been involved with a narcissist. Why would anyone go back even once?
Besides being trauma bonded, adding hoovering to the pile does a number to our vulnerable state.

Hoovering is a type of emotional abuse, done by a narcissistic toxic person when they sense the victim, whom they are abusing and controlling is about to leave them or has ended the relationship. 

The victim might even have moved on or is in a new relationship. Hoovering is a calculated manipulation scheme, commonly used to “suck” you up into their orbit and get you back into the relationship. It becomes an energetically drained dynamic that perpetuates a toxic pattern of
idealization, devaluation, and discarding

Examples of hoovering tactics:
The narcissist will contact you out of the blue and bombard you with nostalgic messages:

  • I miss you.
  • I just drove past our favorite restaurant.
  • This made me think of you.
  • I was just telling a friend how we collected postcards on our road trips. Do you still have them?
  • The narcissist might make contact during the holidays or on your birthday.
  • Or congratulate you on something big to lower your guard and make you believe they take a sincere interest in your accomplishments.
  • Making big sweeping love declarations such as You’re the perfect partner for me.
  • I see that now.
  • We belong together.
  • No one else makes me feel the way you do.
  • We are soul mates.
  • I know I said I didn’t want children, but I had a change of heart.
  • Your ex might regularly be in contact with your parents or friends, proclaiming how much they miss you.
  • The narcissist might be sending lavish or expensive gifts to your house or job so others can see. (It is just another manipulative tactic meant to make you feel indebted to them)
  • Randomly drive by your house or show up at your workplace.
  • Use your child as an intermediary, by getting them to relay messages back to you

They might promise to still take you on that vacation you talked about before youbroke up. They know full well they’d never follow through

The narcissist will act overly apologetic about past events and try to convince you they’ve changed. They might finally be in rehab or seeing a therapist. This is just a tactic to keep you engaging with them.

The narcissist might try to hoover by proxy. Your ex will play the victim and get other people to reach out to you on their behalf and relay information about them. The narcissist might even make up some dramatic health crisis or emergency to gain your attention by making you worry so you will reach out for updates.

Some of the biggest signs of hoovering are threats of self-harm. A manipulative ex will attempt to force you to respond, by saying they’re going to hurt  hemselves unless you answer. They might even threaten to kill themselves.

All of this can be easy to confuse with sincere attempts of reconciliation, but their only intent is to draw your focus back on them. To regain control of the relationship for supply.

How to respond?? DON’T!

Disengage and block them on your phone, email, and social media.
If you are parallel parenting only respond to questions regarding your child using short detached sentences. Ignore the rest.
Let your friends and family know you are not interested in updates about your ex.
No further explanation is needed!

Learn to listen and trust your gut. If you feel a heavy pit in your stomach when your ex’s name pops up let that be a warning sign that a tornado is about to hit. The relationship wasn’t healthy or normal and never will be! They will never change! If you do go back it will only get worse after the initial honeymoon phase. That I can promise you! 

Call 911 if you feel unsafe. If you are being stalked by your ex reach out for help. Contact the Hotline at 1800-799-7233,  ww.Thehotline.org. The Hotline provides lifesaving tools and support from highly-trained advocates 24/7. Their advocates are available to chat online about further options and support.

You deserve to live your life free from abuse and fear!

In love and healing,

Ina Hansen