CELEBRATION WITH A NARCISSIST.
I recently celebrated my birthday. My number is getting high (UGH) as it naturally does if we are fortunate enough to be on this earth. (Still a little shocking)
What I know for sure is, that telling your story, could inspire someone else to share theirs and feel less alone knowing someone else gets it. It normalizes that your thoughts and experiences are valid, real, and important, which we start to question when in a relationship with a narcissist.
One of the reoccurring triggers since ending my marriage is remembering the many disappointing birthdays I experienced with my ex-narc. I was so confused as to why my day wasn’t important enough for him to be in a good mood? I didn’t feel good enough to be celebrated by the person I was married to. Are you nodding your head YES?
Why oh why is celebrating others so hard for a narcissist? Here is why:
A narcissist is an empty shell of a person. They are emotionally stunted. They can’t experience true joy or happiness. Narcissists feel that holidays and special occasions steal the spotlight that they should own. If they can sabotage an event chances are they will.
Expect any of the following behaviors:
– They will ignore the event.
– Treats it like any other day. Doesn’t engage in any planning, surprises, or suggestions as to how to make it meaningful.
– They act annoyed and mad during the entire special day. Will usually try to start a fight.
– Abandon you by leaving the house or retreat and give you the silent treatment.
– If there is a gathering, they will try to make themselves the center of attention. Alternatively, they will sabotage the celebratory mood for other people.
– They’ll judge the food, the drinks, the clothing, the decorations. They will put down the efforts of others, and find justification for the criticism. They intend to make their own style or achievements seem superior.
– The grandiose narcissist may give lavish gifts, as a means to spotlight their generosity and their apparent wealth, even if they are deep in debt, It’s as if they are “decorating” a “loved one” as an accessory, not offering true affection. When they give a lavish gift they feel justified in not participating in the event. You might hear something like: “ I gave you…….and now you expect me to xxx”!!! “ ”You are never happy”!
This is what I learned during my many years of disappointing special occasions:
AVOID GIVING THE NARCISSIST FUEL!
During the days leading up to the event and on the day.
– Don’t start an argument as this can lead to emotional damage to everyone. Even when you are boiling on the inside.
– Don’t tell them how to behave or what to do. They take pleasure in their resistance to following others’ directions or doing what they’ve been asked (or already promised) to do.
– Don’t assume you can convince them to see your perspective. They ONLY view the world through their jaundiced perspective.
– Don’t expect to reach them through heartfelt, emotionally vulnerable pleas or conversations. They are notorious for the absence of empathy for others and have no interest in understanding another’s viewpoint. They will never change!
– Especially be careful not to humiliate them or challenge them in front of others. Losing face is a big narcissistic injury and retribution can come swiftly and painfully.
What I learned very early on was to plan my own birthdays and special events. That was how I protected myself from disappointment. Or so I thought. I knew not to have any expectations. I planned every holiday, birthday, vacation, and event. I would gently inform him what was happening a few days before and made sure it was very clear he didn’t have to participate. Depending on his mood at that moment, his reply would be “fine….or “I’m NOT HOME FOR THAT” !!! Either way, it was all on me, paid by him, and I didn’t say a word. I would swallow the lump in my throat on the day, and just as expected he was disconnected, moody, and disinterested.
It hurt! It was painful to hear from friends how their spouse had planned a big surprise, booked a family vacation, made a dinner reservation, and found a sitter. Or they were asked by their partner what they wanted to do for their birthday, and the partner made it happen! That was so foreign in my life.
When my triggers showed up this year I sat with them. I tapped (EFT) and wrote in my journal. At this point in my healing journey, the triggers disappear very quickly once acknowledged.
I’m beyond grateful the old way of celebrating is part of my past. No more lump in my throat, or feeling sad, disappointed, and resentful. I had the best birthday doing what I LOVE to do in peace with my favorite little person.
If this resonates with you, know you are not alone. This is so very common. Feel all the feelings. Sit with them, write down what is coming up and find a somatic tool that works for you to release it.
Take your power back!! Create new memories and traditions. Celebrate! You are so worthy of being recognized and appreciated for being you.
Please reach out if you are ready to process what you have experienced or are still going through. I get it!! You are not alone, and you don’t need to try to heal on your own.
Book a free 30 min connection call here…
No obligation whatsoever. I’m here to listen and I believe you.
Yours in healing, Ina