Holidays with a toxic ex.
I want to be very clear! This blog applies to women who are still in a relationship with a narcissist or who are separated or divorced from a toxic person. If you DO NOT have children together, you MUST block that person and have absolutely NO contact, no matter how they try to lure you back in. Block them so you won’t be tempted to reply.
Are you prepared for the holidays? I’m not referring to having all the presents bought and wrapped. What I mean is, are you prepared mentally and emotionally? If you share custody with a toxic ex you know a SH*T show is brewing and might already be driving you nuts.
-Do you have a plan for yourself? For your children? How will you spend the Holidays? Will this be the year you will create your own memories? Is this the year you will make sure you celebrate how you want to celebrate? Yes, that is possible! Hear me out!
It begins with declaring what you are choosing to create.
Once you declare your plan to the universe, God, the Xmas lights whomever you believe in, it’s out there, it has been heard.
The best gift you can give yourself and your children are the healthiest version of you. It’s a work in progress but start slowly. Please don’t ignore it and think this holiday will be easier or different because it won’t unless you make it different. Our brain wants us to believe the toxic ex has all the control due to the trauma bond, the abuse, and all the threats. It’s just smoke. It means nothing. Your nervous system is responding to fight, flight freeze, and fawn. When our triggers are still big it feels overwhelming, and scary, and we freeze.
The abuse and gaslighting don’t end when separated or divorced, it can get worse. You serve no use or purpose for the narcissist any longer. Which is why it’s so important to learn to gray rock right away.
Here are some possible scenarios you might experience:
-Your ex or current partner might be hoovering you before the Holidays. Bring you gifts, love bomb you, be nice to you for a little while. It will make you question whether has he changed. He hasn’t. He just wants supply and to know he can get you hooked again.
-You might feel nostalgic about the Holidays. Not because they were great, but because you were not alone and you had your children around every day.
-The narcissist will act out of control and be even more aggressive leading up to and during the Holidays. Their own wounds are coming to the surface. They are not in control. It’s not about them. So they create drama to draw attention back to them.
-Remember it’s never about the children, but the narcissist will use them to hurt you by insisting they spend the holidays with them.
-Use B.I.F.F when needing to communicate with the narcissist. B.I.F.F. stands for: Brief, informal, friendly, and firm.
No is a complete sentence. Do NOT play their game! Don’t get personal. Think of it as a business transaction. Let him have a conversation with himself. He wants you to react and give him supply. The best response is silence and only respond to anything that has to do with your children using the B.I.F.F. method. You
can also use a 3rd party to communicate. The app “The family wizard” keeps a record of all texts.
-You win when you are feeling calm inside after having to engage with your ex. You get to decide how you react and how you behave. Model that for your children. They feed off your energy and what you do and say.
-The past is the past! That doesn’t mean the abuse didn’t happen, but you are free now, and that is the biggest gift.
In closing….Write out your holiday plan as a schedule.
Write down everything you want to do during the Holidays. That is especially important if you will be alone. What do you want to do? Do you want to go to a friend’s or family member’s house?
Or does being home sound more manageable? It’s ok to say, “I don’t feel up for coming, but thank you for the invite”.
If you will be home alone what do you want to do?
This is important so you don’t spend the day in bed. Sleep in for sure, take your time getting up. Read in bed. Take a bath. Go for a walk. Do a guided meditation. Move your body in some way. Watch a funny movie or show. Order food. Practice self-care. What do you rarely have time to do for yourself?
Most importantly, stay OFF social media! Do not get sucked into the happy family reels and stories. Allow yourself to be sad. Crying is so healing. Release it all. Write it down. Use a somatic tool like tapping to work through it.
I’m not saying this is a magic wand. That you will dance through the holiday. This will be hard, but you can do it! It’s for a period of time. What will you do in that time?
Here are some mantras I love:
-I am balanced!
I am empowered! I am Worthy!
-Not my circus, not my monkeys!
-I am Committed and Consistent to taking imperfect action!
Hope this gave you some ideas and tools.
Please know, I see you, I hear you and I believe you. Happy Holidays from my heart to yours.
In healing and health,
Ina.