Self-awareness.
Self-awareness is the first step to healing after narcissistic abuse.
You might have heard the term before but what does it mean?
It sounds complicated and it is a tough step, so we often push it
aside, and instead read another book about narcissism, thinking that
will help us feel better. Knowledge is power but it doesn’t replace
doing the inner work to heal. Education without implementation is
useless!
Inner healing requires you to dig deep. It’s hard and uncomfortable.
You must peel back the layers very slowly. Become a detective. Be
curious about why you do what you do. What makes you think the
way you do? Why did you choose the partners you had?
The layers I’m referring to are the preprogrammed messages and
learned behaviors adopted from childhood.
What you have seen, and know is familiar and feels safe to your brain
and nervous system. Regardless of the experience.
All of those experiences are programmed into our subconscious
mind and we carry that with us into our adult relationships.
That is why self-awareness is SO massively important. You can begin
to change your patterns when you become aware of what makes you
respond and react the way you do.
-Do you know your patterns?
-Are you familiar with your programs from childhood that plays on
repeat?
-What makes you who you are?
-Why do you believe what you believe?
That’s a lot of questions! You might need to take a breath right now.
Do not panic! I got you!
Let’s explore your beliefs and patterns and figure out where you have
seen toxic relationships) and unhealthy behaviors.
Take out your journal and your favorite pen. Find a comfortable place to sit.
I want you to write down the answer to the following journal prompts:
1-What was your parent’s relationship like?
Examples: Did they fight often? Was there a lot of yelling and chaos?
Was there substance abuse involved? What was your mother’s view
on love? How was your relationship with your father? What were you
told about relationships growing up?
2-What were your parent’s expectations of you?
Examples: Did you have to be a straight-A student? Were they
unavailable in your daily life? Were you expected to just be quiet and
happy? Did you feel no matter what you did it was never good
enough? Did you feel unseen and not heard? Did you feel abandoned
unsafe, and scared as a child? Did you experience or witness abuse?
3-How were the women’s intimate relationships in your family? Your
older sisters, cousins, aunts, and grandmothers?
4-On a scale from 1-10 what number was your self-confidence as a
child?
5-What was missing in your childhood?
What do you wish you had?
6-Lastly, I want you to write down 50, YES 50, reasons as to why you
want to heal from narcissistic abuse.
Examples: I want to live a happy life, I deserve peace, I want my kids to have a happy mother, I want to break the cycle of toxic relationships in my family… Keep going.
Anything that comes to mind.
Now read everything you wrote. Do you see a pattern? How many
similarities can you recognize in your adult life that you experienced
in your childhood?
I hope this exercise made you see the importance of self-awareness and identifying where it stems from.
It is not your fault you ended up in a toxic relationship. It is not your fault you keep repeating the same behavior over and over. It’s what you know! Until you learn something different.
When you become aware of your beliefs and patterns rewiring can begin.
In healing and health,
Ina