How a Narcissist will isolate you.
As we all know by now the narcissist is an expert manipulator.
The abuse happens slowly and gradually over time. There are
many forms of narcissistic abuse, some are subtle while other
forms of abuse are very obvious. Regardless, the abuse is hard
to recognize when you are in the thick of it. By then you are
trauma bonded and addicted to the highs and lows, which
makes it so much harder to see what is happening.
A common form of narcissistic abuse is isolation. It can show up
in many unexpected subtle ways.
-The narcissist will insist on moving.
Often far away from everyone and anything familiar. He might use excuses such as a new job, being able to buy his dream house, or that he needs to get away from all the bad memories.
He will top it off by saying this will be a fresh new start for you as a couple!
-He will isolate you from longtime friends or family in a sneaky and sophisticated way.
Often the narcissist won’t forbid you to spend time with the
people who are important to you. Instead, he will be charming in
front of your friends and family and say things like, “Your friend/
sister is very cool” but then, later on, will change his tune to,
“She’s really shallow”. “I don’t think she is good for you”
His change of opinion can make you start to question if he is
right. Is that person not good for you? He might also try to control who can be invited to your house, even when he is not home. Whom your children can have playdates with Demand that the house has to be quiet when he is home, so you can’t host friends or family.
He will refuse to attend social gatherings and make you feel like
you are choosing sides if you do attend.
Eventually, you will feel embarrassed having to come up with lies
as to why your partner isn’t there, again, so you will decline
invitations, and eventually stop getting invited.
-Intermittent reinforcement.
One of the biggest problems of being with a narcissist is that it isn’t ALL bad. Some days he will treat you well enough, (give you
bread crumbs) Read what that means here
It confuses you into continuing with the relationship. A part of you takes the times he can be decent as evidence that he’s a
good person. You want that version back, so you are willing to follow his terms.
-He plays the victim card.
He will tell you tales about his exes, former friends, family members, coworkers, and bosses cheating or abandoning him.
And they were all crazy! You start to believe he is a victim and feel so sorry for him since his stories are so unreal. He might say
something like, “You know what happened to me, that’s why I get paranoid, and why you can’t do this.” “You can’t tell anyone”!
That is how the narcissist gets supply and sympathy from his victims, and how you naturally keep it a secret, hoping by loving
him as he has never experienced before, he can heal from his mistrust. That is how we become emotionally isolated, feeling as
if no one could understand what we are experiencing.
-The narcissist will isolate you from your hobbies and interests.
He might start accusing you of seeing someone. Insist “you are lying and pretending you are going to a yoga class every
Thursday night as a cover”. Eventually, you will stop going to your yoga class to calm his paranoia and avoid the same fight every week.
-He will stop you from making
He will question and accuse you of having an affair whenever you talk about a new friend. You will get so tired of the questions and
accusations you will stop trying to add new people into your life.
– Sabotage your career.
I have met so many women who were subtly persuaded to give up their careers to start families, only to become finically
dependent, so they can’t leave.
The narcissist may say things like, “You are not suited to be working” or “Why are you working so many hours”? Don’t you care about me? “It will be so much better for the kids if you stay home. “They need you”! “You know how busy I am” Your world becomes smaller and smaller. The memories of your life before the narcissistic become a faint blur. Like it never existed. You might even start to tell yourself you don’t miss it.
That your life is now simple and that is just fine. You are too busy anyway to keep up with everyone and you definitely don’t have
time for that yoga class now that you are a mother.
That is exactly what the narcissist wants! For you to be available for him, take care of YOUR children, so he doesn’t have to, and
keep the house in order, while he is the breadwinner and controls your life.
Only that is NOT enough for anyone!!
You need your own interest, time for self-care, and hobbies! Your brain might be able to “fool” you for a while
but eventually, you will wake up and realize this is not normal! You no longer have a
voice! This is control!
Remember LOSS OF CHOICE = LOSS OF FREE WILL
You always have a choice!
Yours in healing,
Ina