Category: Blog

Holidays with a toxic ex.

Posted on by cristina castro

Holidays with a toxic ex.

I want to be very clear! This blog applies to women who are still in a relationship with a narcissist or who are separated or divorced from a toxic person. If you DO NOT have children together, you MUST block that person and have absolutely NO contact, no matter how they try to lure you back in. Block them so you won’t be tempted to reply.

Are you prepared for the holidays? I’m not referring to having all the presents bought and wrapped. What I mean is, are you prepared mentally and emotionally? If you share custody with a toxic ex you know a SH*T show is brewing and might already be driving you nuts.

-Do you have a plan for yourself? For your children? How will you spend the Holidays? Will this be the year you will create your own memories? Is this the year you will make sure you celebrate how you want to celebrate? Yes, that is possible! Hear me out!

It begins with declaring what you are choosing to create.
Once you declare your plan to the universe, God, the Xmas lights whomever you believe in, it’s out there, it has been heard.

The best gift you can give yourself and your children are the healthiest version of you. It’s a work in progress but start slowly. Please don’t ignore it and think this holiday will be easier or different because it won’t unless you make it different. Our brain wants us to believe the toxic ex has all the control due to the trauma bond, the abuse, and all the threats. It’s just smoke. It means nothing. Your nervous system is responding to fight, flight freeze, and fawn. When our triggers are still big it feels overwhelming, and scary, and we freeze.

The abuse and gaslighting don’t end when separated or divorced, it can get worse. You serve no use or purpose for the narcissist any longer. Which is why it’s so important to learn to gray rock right away.

Here are some possible scenarios you might experience:

-Your ex or current partner might be hoovering you before the Holidays. Bring you gifts, love bomb you, be nice to you for a little while. It will make you question whether has he changed. He hasn’t. He just wants supply and to know he can get you hooked again.

-You might feel nostalgic about the Holidays. Not because they were great, but because you were not alone and you had your children around every day.

-The narcissist will act out of control and be even more aggressive leading up to and during the Holidays. Their own wounds are coming to the surface. They are not in control. It’s not about them. So they create drama to draw attention back to them.

-Remember it’s never about the children, but the narcissist will use them to hurt you by insisting they spend the holidays with them.

-Use B.I.F.F when needing to communicate with the narcissist. B.I.F.F. stands for: Brief, informal, friendly, and firm.
No is a complete sentence. Do NOT play their game! Don’t get personal. Think of it as a business transaction. Let him have a conversation with himself. He wants you to react and give him supply. The best response is silence and only respond to anything that has to do with your children using the B.I.F.F. method. You

can also use a 3rd party to communicate. The app “The family wizard” keeps a record of all texts.

-You win when you are feeling calm inside after having to engage with your ex. You get to decide how you react and how you behave. Model that for your children. They feed off your energy and what you do and say.

-The past is the past! That doesn’t mean the abuse didn’t happen, but you are free now, and that is the biggest gift.

In closing….Write out your holiday plan as a schedule.
Write down everything you want to do during the Holidays. That is especially important if you will be alone. What do you want to do? Do you want to go to a friend’s or family member’s house?
Or does being home sound more manageable? It’s ok to say, “I don’t feel up for coming, but thank you for the invite”.
If you will be home alone what do you want to do?

This is important so you don’t spend the day in bed. Sleep in for sure, take your time getting up. Read in bed. Take a bath. Go for a walk. Do a guided meditation. Move your body in some way. Watch a funny movie or show. Order food. Practice self-care. What do you rarely have time to do for yourself?

Most importantly, stay OFF social media! Do not get sucked into the happy family reels and stories. Allow yourself to be sad. Crying is so healing. Release it all. Write it down. Use a somatic tool like tapping to work through it.

I’m not saying this is a magic wand. That you will dance through the holiday. This will be hard, but you can do it! It’s for a period of time. What will you do in that time?

Here are some mantras I love:

-I am balanced!
I am empowered! I am Worthy!

-Not my circus, not my monkeys!
-I am Committed and Consistent to taking imperfect action!

Hope this gave you some ideas and tools.
Please know, I see you, I hear you and I believe you. Happy Holidays from my heart to yours.

In healing and health,

Ina.

The narcissist is an addict.

Posted on by cristina castro

The narcissist is an addict.

Future faking is one of a narcissist’s most prominent yet subtle tools.
Future faking is when a person lies or promised something to get
what they want in the present. Promising a future that they have no
intention of acting toward. Making promises that they won’t keep.
Instead, they distort reality to get what they want from you now.

The addiction I want to talk about is the narcissist’s addiction to control. The narcissist has to be in control of every situation including the people in their life. If you are in a romantic relationship or marriage, you are viewed as a possession, an employee, or a member of staff. Not an equal partner, with your own thinking feeling brain, wants, and needs.

You must serve a purpose for the narcissist. For example, take care of the household and the children full time, and provide all the meals. As long as you do what you are told, and fulfill their needs and addiction, they will grant you their “love and attention” which only means breadcrumbs.
All they want from you is to feed their power and control.

If you pull away or say no, the abuse will often escalate and become worse. The addiction (you) is no longer available to them as you were at the beginning of the relationship, and that is the worst you can do to an addict who needs power and control in order to exist.

The thought of saying no and setting boundaries will feel very scary to your dysregulated nervous system. The trauma bond you are experiencing with the narcissist is very hard to break. Your dopamine receptors are craving his attention and breadcrumbs, which have become your addiction. It’s a vicious toxic cycle that will only get worse.

The person you are with is an addict whose drug of choice is to control and abuse you, mentally, emotionally, and financially, and there is nothing you can do to fix them or change their behavior. It is not your fault!

It’s important to understand when you stay despite their abusive behavior, or if you return to them after leaving, (It can take up to 7

times for the abused to leave for good) the narcissist understands what to say and do so you remain in their control. It’s a sick mind game.

 

You don’t have to be in this dark confusing place on your own.
It’s ok if you don’t know what to do… It’s normal to feel scared.
I’m here to support and meet you where ever you are. There is never any judgment.

I see you. I hear you. I believe you. Yours in healing,
Ina Hansen 

Self-awareness

Posted on by cristina castro

Self-awareness.

Self-awareness is the first step to healing after narcissistic abuse.
You might have heard the term before but what does it mean?
It sounds complicated and it is a tough step, so we often push it
aside, and instead read another book about narcissism, thinking that
will help us feel better. Knowledge is power but it doesn’t replace
doing the inner work to heal. Education without implementation is
useless!
Inner healing requires you to dig deep. It’s hard and uncomfortable.
You must peel back the layers very slowly. Become a detective. Be
curious about why you do what you do. What makes you think the
way you do? Why did you choose the partners you had?
The layers I’m referring to are the preprogrammed messages and
learned behaviors adopted from childhood.
What you have seen, and know is familiar and feels safe to your brain
and nervous system. Regardless of the experience.
All of those experiences are programmed into our subconscious
mind and we carry that with us into our adult relationships.

That is why self-awareness is SO massively important. You can begin
to change your patterns when you become aware of what makes you
respond and react the way you do.

-Do you know your patterns?
-Are you familiar with your programs from childhood that plays on
repeat?
-What makes you who you are?
-Why do you believe what you believe?

That’s a lot of questions! You might need to take a breath right now.
Do not panic! I got you!

Let’s explore your beliefs and patterns and figure out where you have
seen toxic relationships) and unhealthy behaviors.
Take out your journal and your favorite pen. Find a comfortable place to sit.

I want you to write down the answer to the following journal prompts:


1-What was your parent’s relationship like?
Examples: Did they fight often? Was there a lot of yelling and chaos?
Was there substance abuse involved? What was your mother’s view
on love? How was your relationship with your father? What were you
told about relationships growing up?

2-What were your parent’s expectations of you?
Examples: Did you have to be a straight-A student? Were they
unavailable in your daily life? Were you expected to just be quiet and
happy? Did you feel no matter what you did it was never good
enough? Did you feel unseen and not heard? Did you feel abandoned
unsafe, and scared as a child? Did you experience or witness abuse?

3-How were the women’s intimate relationships in your family? Your
older sisters, cousins, aunts, and grandmothers?

4-On a scale from 1-10 what number was your self-confidence as a
child?

5-What was missing in your childhood?
What do you wish you had?

6-Lastly, I want you to write down 50, YES 50, reasons as to why you
want to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Examples: I want to live a happy life, I deserve peace, I want my kids to have a happy mother, I want to break the cycle of toxic relationships in my family… Keep going.

Anything that comes to mind.

Now read everything you wrote. Do you see a pattern? How many
similarities can you recognize in your adult life that you experienced
in your childhood? 

I hope this exercise made you see the importance of self-awareness and identifying where it stems from.

It is not your fault you ended up in a toxic relationship. It is not your fault you keep repeating the same behavior over and over. It’s what you know! Until you learn something different.

When you become aware of your beliefs and patterns rewiring can begin.


In healing and health,

Ina

Why is committing to doing the inner work so challenging?

Posted on by cristina castro

Why is committing to doing the inner work so challenging?

Have you felt ready to dive into the unknown, peel back the
layers of your unhealed wounds, and discover once and for all
why you are stuck where you are?


Only to wake up the next day and backtrack?


If this is you keep reading….


I lost track of the countless times I declared, THIS is it! I want to
feel better! I want to get stronger! I want to find the courage to
leave my toxic marriage! I want to understand why I’m allowing
this to continue. I want to figure out who I am and what I want
and need! Only to do nothing about it. I would “negotiate” with
myself. “If this happens again, then I’m leaving” “If he talks to me
like that again” that’s it”!” When my child is older, I will have the
time to figure this out.” “When I have more money I will get help”
Why did I keep avoiding reality? Why didn’t I get help when I
knew something had to change?


The real question: What was keeping me from doing the inner
work?

Today I know why. After years of healing, I no longer negotiate
with myself. I’m committing to staying in the healing lane, and not
avoiding any of my feelings. Discovering my root cause and my
why.


So many why’s.


It was hard to get started. I cried so many tears. There were so
many challenges. In the beginning stages, I had days I wished I
was back in my “safe” cocoon of the “known”. My brain and my
nervous system felt safer there. Out here in the wilderness, I had
NO idea what I would uncover next. My brain kept telling me it
wasn’t safe to be out here. That being in the unknown was a
terrible idea. My brain did what it is designed to do. To keep me
safe. Guess who won the battle this time? ME!

I now understood, unconsciously that I wanted to protect the
“young me” that little girl, from feeling any more hard feelings, by
staying detached and dissociated as I had for most of my life. It
was my survival tactic. If I didn’t allow myself to feel it couldn’t
affect me. Growing up in a toxic alcoholic chaotic family, I
learned early on to be the caregiver and people pleaser. To push
my own needs and wants aside in order to take care of evervone
else. Guess what I discovered? I was still the people pleaser. The
caregiver, who took care of everyone else. The person who was
always completely depleted. I didn’t like feeling this way. I knew
others didn’t live like this. But it was all I knew so I stayed in my
comfort zone and told myself it was fine, until one day it wasn’t.
You might be thinking, how did I know it wasn’t fine anymore?
What changed within me? And how did I stay on the path of
healing? How did I keep moving forward and not backward to the
familiar?
Well, I had a nervous breakdown. Turns out it was what I needed
to find my breakthrough. I finally understood education without implementation is useless, It didn’t make a difference that I had become an expert on narcissistic abuse from all the research I had done.

It didn’t matter that I understood why I kept repeating the same pattern I had seen in my family system for generations. I wasn’t doing
anything about it. I didn’t do the work. I didn’t apply it to myself.
To my life.

Once I did everything changed.

It will be different for you. When it’s your time to stop living a life
you don’t deserve, you will have your awakening and there will be
no going back. It doesn’t mean you won’t have days that seem
impossible to get through. There will be many times, the thought
of returning to what you know, the old way of living, will be
tempting, and many of you will go back, and there is no shame. It
means you were not fully ready. You dipped your toes into the
unknown. You might even have reached out for help or signed up
for a course, but right before or as you are starting doing the work, it might seem too overwhelming to your nervous system
and you take a step back. That’s ok! It just means now is not
your time. When you are ready your teacher will appear, in
whatever form or shape is right for you.


In closing, there is no timeline for healing. You will get started
when you are fully ready.

Stay tuned for an announcement coming very soon. It has to do
with support, help, and being in a community of women who
understand what you are going through. You will know if it’s right for you.

It might help you dip your toes into the unknown.

More to come….

In healing

Ina

HOW A NARCISSIST WILL USE FUTURE FAKING TO MANIPULATE YOU.

Posted on by cristina castro

HOW A NARCISSIST WILL USE FUTURE FAKING TO MANIPULATE YOU.

Future faking is one of a narcissist’s most prominent yet subtle tools.
Future faking is when a person lies or promised something to get
what they want in the present. Promising a future that they have no
intention of acting toward. Making promises that they won’t keep.
Instead, they distort reality to get what they want from you now.

EXAMPLES: 

-Promising that they will call you later but never call.
-Or promising to go on a vacation with you, and then never taking any
steps to make that happen.
-Saying they want you to meet their parents or friends shortly after a
few dates.
-Express how they want to buy a house together.
-Even promising to marry you, make you his queen, and live happily
ever after, to make you complacent and control you in the present.
It’s important to note, future faking prays on your dreams and goals in
order to fabricate a possible future so that they can string you along
in the now. These promises are destined to be broken.
Instead, they will keep promising and using other forms of coercive
control, until you feel confused and start to question if you have made
it all up in your head. At that point, it seems easier to just go along
with whatever the narcissist says.

Future faking speaks to our hearts. Our heartfelt desires, whether
about marriages, children, work, happiness, traveling, or fun times.
Our desires become weaponized in order to control us. Your belief in
their future faking appeals to their ego and feeds them supply.
What keeps you bonded to the narcissist, is the hope that this time, it
will happen! That this time it will be different! That this time, he has saved up money! This time, he really looks like he means it! This time
he has a job!
He said he is saving up for the house you are buying together.
He did promise that as soon as his mother feels well you will meet
her.
By now, you may have sunk so much time, emotion, and energy into
the relationship that you tell yourself you can’t give up now!

If you start to question their many broken promises, they may
occasionally take some sort of small action step, but as soon as you
feel comfortable again, it is back to more of the same. They may also
lash out at you, blame you for not believing them, and make you feel
so bad, that you end up apologizing and you stay. Then they will
know that they can get away with it. 

This kind of manipulation is extremely harmful. Cognitive dissonance,
feelings of helplessness and hopelessness, not feeling good enough
and worthy, and the loss of something the narcissist never intended
you to have will have crippling consequences for your self-worth, and
trust in people. It will make you feel crazy and stupid that you allowed
yourself to believe them once again!

How can you tell if a person is pretending or lying?

This applies to a family member, a boss, a coworker, a friend, or a romantic partner.

-Be mindful of anything that seems too good to be true.


-If that person repeatedly talks about the future in order to make you complacent, ask questions and don’t let them distort reality.


-Pay attention to if they work towards the goal they declared.


-Ask them to explain their plan, and for updates.


-Don’t accept excuse after excuse.


-Observe if the person gets defensive or angry when asked questions
about their promise.


-Notice if the person blames you, or tries to make you feel crazy for
questioning them.


If the person says, “I NEVER PROMISED THAT” but you know they
did, they are gaslighting you

It’s a lie with no substance behind it. It’s future faking and it will never happen!

You are not dealing with an honest, healthy, or normal adult!

Yours in healing,

Ina. 

How a Narcissist will isolate you.

Posted on by cristina castro

How a Narcissist will isolate you.

As we all know by now the narcissist is an expert manipulator.
The abuse happens slowly and gradually over time. There are
many forms of narcissistic abuse, some are subtle while other
forms of abuse are very obvious. Regardless, the abuse is hard
to recognize when you are in the thick of it. By then you are
trauma bonded and addicted to the highs and lows, which
makes it so much harder to see what is happening.

A common form of narcissistic abuse is isolation. It can show up
in many unexpected subtle ways.

-The narcissist will insist on moving.

Often far away from everyone and anything familiar. He might use excuses such as a new job, being able to buy his dream house, or that he needs to get away from all the bad memories.

He will top it off by saying this will be a fresh new start for you as a couple!

-He will isolate you from longtime friends or family in a sneaky and sophisticated way.

Often the narcissist won’t forbid you to spend time with the
people who are important to you. Instead, he will be charming in
front of your friends and family and say things like, “Your friend/
sister is very cool” but then, later on, will change his tune to,
“She’s really shallow”. “I don’t think she is good for you”

His change of opinion can make you start to question if he is
right. Is that person not good for you? He might also try to control who can be invited to your house, even when he is not home. Whom your children can have playdates with Demand that the house has to be quiet when he is home, so you can’t host friends or family.

He will refuse to attend social gatherings and make you feel like
you are choosing sides if you do attend.

Eventually, you will feel embarrassed having to come up with lies
as to why your partner isn’t there, again, so you will decline
invitations, and eventually stop getting invited.

-Intermittent reinforcement.

One of the biggest problems of being with a narcissist is that it isn’t ALL bad. Some days he will treat you well enough, (give you
bread crumbs) Read what that means here

It confuses you into continuing with the relationship. A part of you takes the times he can be decent as evidence that he’s a
good person. You want that version back, so you are willing to follow his terms.

-He plays the victim card.

He will tell you tales about his exes, former friends, family members, coworkers, and bosses cheating or abandoning him.
And they were all crazy! You start to believe he is a victim and feel so sorry for him since his stories are so unreal. He might say
something like, “You know what happened to me, that’s why I get paranoid, and why you can’t do this.” “You can’t tell anyone”!
That is how the narcissist gets supply and sympathy from his victims, and how you naturally keep it a secret, hoping by loving
him as he has never experienced before, he can heal from his mistrust. That is how we become emotionally isolated, feeling as
if no one could understand what we are experiencing.

-The narcissist will isolate you from your hobbies and interests.

He might start accusing you of seeing someone. Insist “you are lying and pretending you are going to a yoga class every
Thursday night as a cover”. Eventually, you will stop going to your yoga class to calm his paranoia and avoid the same fight every week.

 

-He will stop you from making 

He will question and accuse you of having an affair whenever you talk about a new friend. You will get so tired of the questions and
accusations you will stop trying to add new people into your life.

– Sabotage your career.

I have met so many women who were subtly persuaded to give up their careers to start families, only to become finically
dependent, so they can’t leave.

The narcissist may say things like, “You are not suited to be working” or “Why are you working so many hours”? Don’t you care about me? “It will be so much better for the kids if you stay home. “They need you”! “You know how busy I am” Your world becomes smaller and smaller. The memories of your life before the narcissistic become a faint blur. Like it never existed. You might even start to tell yourself you don’t miss it.
That your life is now simple and that is just fine. You are too busy anyway to keep up with everyone and you definitely don’t have
time for that yoga class now that you are a mother. 


That is exactly what the narcissist wants! For you to be available for him, take care of YOUR children, so he doesn’t have to, and
keep the house in order, while he is the breadwinner and controls your life.

 

Only that is NOT enough for anyone!!

You need your own interest, time for self-care, and hobbies! Your brain might be able to “fool” you for a while

but eventually, you will wake up and realize this is not normal! You no longer have a
voice! This is control!

Remember LOSS OF CHOICE = LOSS OF FREE WILL

You always have a choice!

Yours in healing,

Ina

Financial control is abuse

Posted on by cristina castro

Financial control is abuse.

I wanted to touch on something very common in narcissistic
relationships or marriage. Financial control!
Did you know financial control is considered domestic violence? I
didn’t for a long time.
If the narcissist in your life is using economic abuse to control you, it
can look something like this: 

-Preventing you from getting or keeping a job.
-Making you ask/beg for money.
-Giving you an allowance.
-Taking your money.
-Not letting you know about or having access to family income.
-Being asked to show receipts when returning from grocery
shopping.
-Every purchase made for yourself or your children is being
questioned.
-Treats of canceling credit cards when there is an argument.
-Often reminding you, if you do leave you will end up on the streets!
-Promising, you will never get ‘HIS” money if you split up.

 

Meanwhile, the abuser spends money in any way he pleases!
I remember what It felt like to own my own business, making my own
money that I controlled. I do remember what it felt like to give up my
business only to become financially dependent on my ex-narc when I
decided to stay home with my child. I ignored that voice in my head
screaming, N0000000!! “You need to stay financially independent”!

Fast forward… some months there was no mention of money spent.
Lavish gifts, pocket money, and vacations came in abundance. In
other months, there were lectures, budgets being created, and
threats of my credit card being canceled if I didn’t XYZ!!

It brought me right back to my childhood. Watching my mother, also
financially dependent on my father, beg for money for groceries in
front of her children.

Naturally, I had attracted the same situation. My beliefs around
money were, It is not mine to spend. What I contribute to the household is NEVER good enough. I am worthless. I don’t deserve to
live in abundance. There is never enough money.

 

Does that sound familiar?

Being financially controlled by your partner is a terrible feeling. You live in lack and feel sick every time you spend money on anything.
You start to tell yourself you don’t deserve or need anything, to avoid  another argument and explosion about money. You know you are not
respected or valued, no matter what you contribute to the household Being a STAH, and or juggling work while being the primary caregiver.
Even if you take care of everything in the home, it is never enough for the narcissist.

That is not a healthy partnership! 

Remember: Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior (verbal, nonverbal, and physical) of one person exercising POWER &
CONTROL over another, and you experience

LOSS OF CHOICE= LOSS OF FREE WILL

In a healthy relationship or marriage, you have an economic
partnership.

-You make jointly money decisions.

-Both partners benefit from the financial agreements.

-Your financial goals and dreams are valued and heard.

-You are both in agreement on how your, his, and your joint money is
spent.

-You are never asked to provide receipts nor do you feel guilty about
making purchases.

-If it is mutually decided you stay home with the children, that
decision is respected and valued.

Please know if you are a victim of financial control it is abuse!
Controlling the money is a tactic the abuser uses to make you believe
you can’t leave the relationship or marriage, no matter how bad it
gets! It’s one of the main reasons women stay as long as they do. It’s
abuse and it’s not ok! If you are in a partnership you have equal rights
when it comes to your finances. You are a grown woman!

Please know if you are a victim of financial control it is abuse!  Controlling the money is a tactic the abuser uses to make you believe
you can’t leave the relationship or marriage, no matter how bad it gets! It’s one of the main reasons women stay as long as they do. It’s
abuse and it’s not ok! If you are in a partnership you have equal rights when it comes to your finances. You are a grown woman!

Remember: Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior (verbal, nonverbal, and physical) of one person exercising POWER &
CONTROL over another, and you experience LOSS OF CHOICE= LOSS OF FREE WILL

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH

Posted on by cristina castro

NATIONAL DOMESTIC VIOLENCE AWARENESS MONTH.

October is National domestic violence awareness month. The theme for 2022 is: “EVERY1KNOWSSOME1”

Read that again, Every1 knowssome1! 

The statement strives to highlight how common domestic violence is, and that it is more than physical violence.

We all know someone who has experienced abuse in some form. It could be your mother, sister, daughter, or family member, friend, coworker, or neighbor.

It could be you if you are reading this!

Often we don’t know we are in an abusive relationship or marriage until we are out.

My blog on Coercive control explains the many different types of abuse. Abuse is abuse!

I posted a reel yesterday on my Instagram account talking about how the abuser tries to control your privacy.
Can you relate to this: 

The controlling person in your life might say something like:

  • Let me see your phone!
  • Is your location finder on?
  • Why did you turn it off?
  • Why didn’t you pick up when I called you 15 times in a row?
  • I left you text messages and voicemails!
  • You know if something happened to me you would never know because
    you don’t answer your phone!
  • I guess I’m not important to you!
  •  Whom are you talking to? (interrupting you while you are on the phone)
  • Asking you a question while you are on a phone call expecting you to
    answer regardless of whom you are talking too.
  •  Who texted you?
  • Whom are you texting?
  • If you are going out or leaving the house alone, you will most likely be interrogated.
  • Where are you going?
  • Are you sure you are going to the supermarket?
  • Who is this friend you are meeting?
  • What do you talk about?
  • When are you going to be home?

The controlling person will most likely call or text you several times while you are out to check up on you, and ask random questions which could have waited til you got home, to purposely interrupt your time out, and bring the attention back onto him.

This is ALL a form of abuse and control, and it is not OK!

It’s your phone and your privacy!

Have you experienced the above? Would love to hear from you.

Drop me an email at: liveyourlife.coach@yahoo.com,

or a DM @liveyourlife.coach on Instagram.

I’m here for you! Book a 30 min FREE discovery call, to break the cycle
and live the life you want to live.

Yours in healing,

Ina

Celebrations with a narcissist.

Posted on by cristina castro

CELEBRATION WITH A NARCISSIST.

I recently celebrated my birthday. My number is getting high (UGH) as it naturally does if we are fortunate enough to be on this earth. (Still a little shocking)

What I know for sure is, that telling your story, could inspire someone else to share theirs and feel less alone knowing someone else gets it. It normalizes that your thoughts and experiences are valid, real, and important, which we start to question when in a relationship with a narcissist.

One of the reoccurring triggers since ending my marriage is remembering the many disappointing birthdays I experienced with my ex-narc. I was so confused as to why my day wasn’t important enough for him to be in a good mood? I didn’t feel good enough to be celebrated by the person I was married to. Are you nodding your head YES?

Why oh why is celebrating others so hard for a narcissist? Here is why:

A narcissist is an empty shell of a person. They are emotionally stunted. They can’t experience true joy or happiness. Narcissists feel that holidays and special occasions steal the spotlight that they should own. If they can sabotage an event chances are they will.

Expect any of the following behaviors:

– They will ignore the event.

– Treats it like any other day. Doesn’t engage in any planning, surprises, or suggestions as to how to make it meaningful.

– They act annoyed and mad during the entire special day. Will usually try to start a fight.

  • –  Abandon you by leaving the house or retreat and give you the silent treatment.

  • –  If there is a gathering, they will try to make themselves the center of attention. Alternatively, they will sabotage the celebratory mood for other people.

  • – They’ll judge the food, the drinks, the clothing, the decorations. They will put down the efforts of others, and find justification for the criticism. They intend to make their own style or achievements seem superior.

– The grandiose narcissist may give lavish gifts, as a means to spotlight their generosity and their apparent wealth, even if they are deep in debt, It’s as if they are “decorating” a “loved one” as an accessory, not offering true affection. When they give a lavish gift they feel justified in not participating in the event. You might hear something like: “ I gave you…….and now you expect me to xxx”!!! “ ”You are never happy”!

This is what I learned during my many years of disappointing special occasions:

AVOID GIVING THE NARCISSIST FUEL!

During the days leading up to the event and on the day.

  • –  Don’t start an argument as this can lead to emotional damage to everyone. Even when you are boiling on the inside.

  • –  Don’t tell them how to behave or what to do. They take pleasure in their resistance to following others’ directions or doing what they’ve been asked (or already promised) to do.

    – Don’t assume you can convince them to see your perspective. They ONLY view the world through their jaundiced perspective.

  • –  Don’t expect to reach them through heartfelt, emotionally vulnerable pleas or conversations. They are notorious for the absence of empathy for others and have no interest in understanding another’s viewpoint. They will never change!

  • –  Especially be careful not to humiliate them or challenge them in front of others. Losing face is a big narcissistic injury and retribution can come swiftly and painfully.

What I learned very early on was to plan my own birthdays and special events. That was how I protected myself from disappointment. Or so I thought. I knew not to have any expectations. I planned every holiday, birthday, vacation, and event. I would gently inform him what was happening a few days before and made sure it was very clear he didn’t have to participate. Depending on his mood at that moment, his reply would be “fine….or “I’m NOT HOME FOR THAT” !!! Either way, it was all on me, paid by him, and I didn’t say a word. I would swallow the lump in my throat on the day, and just as expected he was disconnected, moody, and disinterested.

 

It hurt! It was painful to hear from friends how their spouse had planned a big surprise, booked a family vacation, made a dinner reservation, and found a sitter. Or they were asked by their partner what they wanted to do for their birthday, and the partner made it happen! That was so foreign in my life.

When my triggers showed up this year I sat with them. I tapped (EFT) and wrote in my journal. At this point in my healing journey, the triggers disappear very quickly once acknowledged.

I’m beyond grateful the old way of celebrating is part of my past. No more lump in my throat, or feeling sad, disappointed, and resentful. I had the best birthday doing what I LOVE to do in peace with my favorite little person.

If this resonates with you, know you are not alone. This is so very common. Feel all the feelings. Sit with them, write down what is coming up and find a somatic tool that works for you to release it.

Take your power back!! Create new memories and traditions. Celebrate! You are so worthy of being recognized and appreciated for being you.

Please reach out if you are ready to process what you have experienced or are still going through. I get it!! You are not alone, and you don’t need to try to heal on your own.

Book a free 30 min connection call here…

No obligation whatsoever. I’m here to listen and I believe you.

Yours in healing, Ina

Coercive control.

Posted on by cristina castro

Coercive control.

Coercive control is when a person with whom you are personally connected, repeatedly behaves in a way that makes you feel controlled, dependent, isolated or scared.

Coercive control is a subtle type of abusive behavior that is very harmful.

It is a strategic form of ongoing oppression used to install fear.
Physical and verbal abuse are terms most are familiar with when hearing the word domestic violence.

Coercive control is still a description most don’t associate with domestic abuse.

Coercive control is illegal in the United Kingdom and Scotland. Only a few states including California, Hawaii, and recently Connecticut have incorporated coercive control into the legal definition of domestic violence.

Legislators in New York, Maryland, and South Carolina have proposed coercive control last year. There is still a long way to go, for coercive abuse to be recognized as domestic violence in the law system access the world.

 

This is what coercive control can look like:

–Limiting access to money.

Your abuser controls how much money you have and how you spend it. Creates a tight budget without your consent. Scolding you like a child whenever you spend money on anything including groceries.

–Listen in on your private communication, as a controlling effort.

–Making jealous accusations.
Jealousy complaining about the amount of time you spend with your family and friends.

–Isolating you from friends and family. They might move you to a new state or county, with the promise of a better life, knowing you will be dependent on them.

–Controlling aspects of your health and body.

They’ll monitor how much you eat and sleep. They will call you lazy if you take a well-deserved nap or sit on the couch. They will make comments about your exercise regimen, the shape of your body, and your weight. What you should and shouldn’t wear and how it makes you look.

–Regulate your sexual relationship.

They might make demands about the number of times you have sex each week and the kind of activities you perform.

–Monitoring your activities and your movements.

Expect you to be available and pick up your phone EVERY time they call. If you don’t answer they will bombard you with voice mails or texts. “Why didn’t you pick up your phone”? “Where are you?”

–Not allowing you to work or go to school.

They might make it seem like it’s for your benefit. “You don’t have to work.” I make enough money to take care of the family” “Just stay home with the kids” All part of their plan to control the financials, to keep you stuck.

–Reinforcing traditional gender roles.
They will attempt to justify that women are homemakers and mothers, while men are breadwinners. Coerce you into taking care of ALL the cleaning, cooking, and childcare, while they rest and enjoy their hobbies when they are home, detached from family life.

–Gaslight, manipulate and lie to get their way and convince you that you’re wrong. To get you to question your own memory and apologize.

–Name-calling and putting you down, telling you that you are worthless. Form of bullying behavior, designed to make you feel unimportant and deficient.

–Turning your kids against you.

If you have children, they might try to weaponize the children against you by telling them you’re a bad parent or belittling you in front of them.

–Threatening to publish information about you or to report you to the police or the authorities.

–Threatening to harm you, your child, or pets.

Threatening to call social services and say you’re neglecting or abusing your children when you aren’t. Intimidating you by threatening to make important decisions about your kids without your consent.

If you have experienced any of the following you are a victim of domestic abuse that entraps you in a hostage-like situation. Regardless of the history with your abuser, you might have a family together and even if it included some “happy moments” you don’t deserve this treatment.

They will laugh if you confront them and call them an abuser. You might have been told, “I’m not hitting you!” “This is not abuse!” “No one will believe you!” “You are crazy!” “You are lucky I’m still here!”

-It is abuse! All of it!!
-We believe you!
-You are not crazy!
-This doesn’t have to be your life any longer!!

It is not hopeless. You don’t deserve to be treated like this! You never did! Knowledge is power. This is NOT OK!!
Reach out for help. Call the domestic hotline: 18007997233, or email: www.ndvh.org

Yours in healing,

Ina

Book a free 30 min discovery call, to break the cycle and live the life you want to live.

Discovery Call

www.liveyourlife.coach